Worry & Trust: The Struggle For Control

I've heard it said multiple times that the number one biggest fear that majority of people have is PUBLIC SPEAKING. Which seems like a strange idea on the surface. I would think there's other things that we as a people should more rationally fear. Blizzards, tornadoes, poisonous snakes, poisonous spiders, falling to death, starvation, thirst, drowning, pretty much anything to do with the dangers of the natural world.

The thing we should fear most from nature is the Honey Badger

Yet, maybe people in our society fear public speaking so much because it is something that occurs more often in our daily life. I can assume that within the next week, I will much more likely have to give a speech in front of teens than I will have to jump out of an airplane.

Though there is the chance I may have to do both at once

However, the question still remains, why is this our biggest fear? Why do we care so much about whether we succeed or screw up at our speech? Why should we care whether people will judge us or praise us if we deliver the speech well or if we totally bomb it?

The problem is that we really do care if we deliver a speech perfectly. We do care what people think of our speaking abilities. We want a speech to go well whether it's because we want praise and admiration or if we want our hard work and practice to be worth it or if we just want to avoid awkwardness that comes from flubbing our lines. I'll admit, these are all reasons why I want my talks to succeed. Yet, every time that I am about to stand in front of a group of teens, every time I wait in the wings to walk on stage, every time I step forward to read the Liturgy of the Word at Mass, I can feel the adrenaline rushing inside of me because of how nervous I am.

Either that, or the butterflies in my stomach are on steroids

I get nervous often because I worry. I am worried that things will go terribly wrong. I am worried that I will forget what I am supposed to say. I am worried that I will say the wrong words or that I do not pronounce words properly. I am worried that I will speak heresy or inaccurate information. I am worried that I will look like a fool. I am worried about what the people sitting those chairs are thinking about me. I am worried that I am not perfect.

As you might be able to tell, whenever I worry about something, it's because I am focused on the negative. I think that's how a lot of people work mentally when they are preparing themselves for something like public speaking or planning an event. They think about all of the things that can go wrong and get so worked up about the possible negatives that they worry that nothing will go right.

Which is the opposite of Nic Cage's mentality about his acting abilities

Another thing I have noticed is that the things that I worry about are often the things that I cannot control. That lack of control is usually what gets me so worked up. I cannot control the audience to make them pay attention. I cannot control whether the audience will think it is a good or a bad speech. I cannot control whether the room has bad acoustics or if there is no microphone for me to use. All I can control is my voice, my preparation for and memorization of the speech, and my awareness of what is happening in the room during my speech.

I feel like the opposite of worry when it comes to the idea of control is trust. If I trusted everything to go better whenever I gave a speech, I would not worry so much beforehand. The more I could control a situation, the more I could trust myself and the situation for a good outcome. However, this whole issue (worry, trust, and control) also has to do with my relationship with God.

Before I began to really work on my relationship with God and grow closer to Him, I focused on controlling what was happening in my life. I got to choose the classes I wanted, I got to go wherever I wanted to, I would buy whatever I wanted to buy, and everything about my life was focused on me. I would worry about what was going to happen in my life and if something went horribly wrong (a girl didn't want to go on a date with me, I get a poor grade on a test, my clothes don't match for some important event, etc.) then I would turn into a big worry-wart and lose trust in myself and my abilities.

As I have grown in my faith and brought myself closer to God through increased prayer and time with the Sacraments, I have come to realize several important things.

#1: My life is not about me. It's not about everything going right for me. It's about helping other people and sharing everything that I have with those in need.

#2: Not everything is meant to go "right". My idea of what is right is not necessarily God's idea of what is right. Everything happens according to God's plan, not my own, and therefore if something happens in an awkward or rough way, then I have to realize that there was a purpose for things happening that way.

#3: I have to trust God more. Since He has the perfect plan for my life and He knows what is going to make me happiest, I have to trust Him to guide me along the way, provide me with the experiences and information I need to grow, and lead me to where He needs me to go.

#4: Worry does not add anything to God's plan, it only makes the situation more challenging for me. If I trusted God more, I would not worry like I do because I would realize that the situation is under His control and He will guide the situation as it needs to happen.

#5: God makes good things happen even in the tough times. I may think I totally bombed a speech, but a teen may have received an important message through the speech anyway. A priest may feel like he delivered the worst homily ever, but a member of the congregation may have had a change of heart because of something that the priest said.

Every day is a struggle for me to fully accept this realization. Every day I work on trusting God more and worrying less. If I approach situations where I prepare the best I can and realize that things are not in my control in that moment, then God will take care of the rest.

Recently I shared my struggle with stress and worry and trust with an acquaintance that I knew could relate and give me some advice. They said several great things to me, but one phrase that sticks out to me the most is this: "In a way, it's good that you are concerned and worry so much because it shows that you care whether things go well or not." I really do care. I really do want retreats to go well. I really do want the youth to have a great experience which brings them closer to God. I really do want everything to work out well to show that there was energy and time and effort put in to this retreat. I really do want our contacts to feel like they made a good investment in Reach Youth Ministry and I really do want the teens to know what my faith journey has been like so I can help them in some way.

Does that mean that everything has to be perfect? No. Does that mean that I should worry about how the retreat goes or how my talk is received? No, not if I truly prepare for it. Again, this all points back to God, whom I should trust to control the situation the way that He wants it to go.

I want to leave you with a quote by St. Padre Pio.

"Pray, hope, and don't worry. Worry is useless. God is merciful and will hear your prayer."

Small Town Vs. Big City

Where I Come From

Growing up in St. Charles, MO makes me feel like I have experience with both urban and rural life. It wasn't too far of a drive to get into the big city (St. Louis) with all of the skyscrapers, museums, unique restaurants, and crowds of people. It also wasn't too far of a drive to get out to the countryside with all the farmland, woodland trails, mom and pop shops, and limited sightings of other people.

Being in the suburbs itself made me feel like I lived in a pretty big town anyway because it wasn't too far of a drive to find something fun or interesting to do around town and there was a small chance of running into people I knew, but there were still plenty of people around that I didn't know.

The Small Town Experience

Out here in the Northwest, there are far more small towns than there are big cities. Towns are few and far between on the highway (in comparison to a drive like St. Louis to Tulsa) and most of the places we stop in are the kind of country rural places I described earlier.

Seattle has been the only place I would consider as a big city out here. Even large towns like Missoula or Bozeman or Yakima or Couer d'Alene, ID can only compare to a town like Springfield or Columbia, MO, which both have a large population and are spread-out towns but they cannot compare in size and scope to St. Louis or Kansas City.

Here's an example of the type of small town I've come to get used to out here: Ashland, MT. It is in every sense of the words a 'small town'. The main street is only a few blocks long. There are no chain restaurants around (I don't even think I saw a grocery store), but instead there are only a few local food places. Usually my team gets food from The Hitching Post, a little diner that seats about forty people at most. The service is friendly and wonderful, but it's also incredibly slow paced compared to what I'm used to at restaurants.

There is also a place in town called Michelle's Munchies, where a customer cannot only purchase delicious desserts (and even food like burgers or pizza), but also they can rent or purchase a variety of DVDs that line the shelves. I'm telling you this town would be much harder to find on the map if it weren't for St. Labre Indian School.

Even Yakima itself is a small suburb. Sure there are a variety of places to shop at and eat at around town. Yet, there is only one museum in town. There is only one movie theater around here and it does not show the small, artsy films like Wes Anderson's "The Grand Budapest Hotel" or Hayao Miyazaki's "The Wind Rises". It's not too far of a drive to find a good hiking trail outside of town or get out in the sagebrush desert here. This town as all of amenities of the suburbs I grew up with, except for the ability to find all of the unique, artistic venues I could find back in my home area.

Where to Go in the Future?

Yet, what is my point in all of this. Well, sometimes I like to think about the kind of place I'd like to settle down. This is not necessarily something I daydream about, but it's something I consider when I try to ponder my future career and my future personal life.

If theatre is going to be my world of business, then I would need to live someplace where I have the best odds of constantly either finding employment or creating employment opportunities for theatrical productions based on the audience I'm trying to reach. I also want to live somewhere that allows me to grow in my Catholic faith, to share that faith with other people, and to be a part of a Catholic community with people my own age. I also want to find my future wife and live somewhere we can raise children in a good environment.

I do not necessarily want to live in a small town because my options for EVERYTHING (work, food, dating, etc.) would be much more limited, but on the other hand the opportunity to experience nature and do more outdoorsy things would be much greater compared to urban life.

I do not necessarily want to live in a big city because it would get very crowded, life would be at a much more intense and quick pace, and I would probably spend much more money on unnecessary items, but on the other hand the options of where to eat, who to mingle with, where to work, etc. would be much greater compared to small town life.

The Ideal Location

I think the ideal area that I would like to settle down in would be around Sevierville, TN in the Great Smoky Mountains. I came to know this location after several family trips to the Smokies, which is not only a place my Dad loves but is also a place with personal family ties.

All of the towns around Sevierville are definitely small towns, though they have expanded over the years thanks to tourism to the Smokies and to tourist towns like Pigeon Forge and Gatlinburg. It's not too far of a drive to Knoxville, the big city of the area, but it's also not too far of a drive to get lost in the mountains. It's a great place to go hiking (or do anything outdoorsy) and it's also a great place to find unique shops and restaurants.

Pigeon Forge and Gatlinburg would have plenty of opportunities to work in the theatre, though I could expand my options to Knoxville or other nearby towns. There are a few Catholic parishes in the area, though I imagine that this part of the country is heavily Protestant, so not only could I be anchored in a Catholic church, but also I could reach out to other Christian peoples in the area. Where I live could be nice, quiet, and isolated, but where I work could be busy with tourist crowds so I wouldn't feel like I'm too far away from civilization.

So, who knows where I will end up in life? All I know is that there are good things about small towns just as there are good things about big cities. I grew up getting to experience both and I can only hope to live somewhere that I can continue to experience both and let my future children experience as well.

St. Labre School is a Unique and Amazing Place

St. Labre-Ashland, MT

Last week the St. Francis Reach team from Yakima was able to join up with the Holy Family ladies from Helena in order to lead a retreat for St. Labre Indian School in Ashland, MT. Not only was it neat to work with my previous team again, but it was awesome to travel back to the most unique school that I had the privilege of experiencing last semester.

St. Labre Indian School has been around for about 125 years. It started out as a Catholic mission run by Ursuline nuns for the Cheyenne tribe after they relocated to the area. Today, it is a Catholic school for kids from Kindergarten all the way to Senior in High School and is especially dedicated to the Cheyenne as well as the Crow tribe communities. Because of the large donations and the generosity of many people, including big name companies, families can send their kids to St. Labre without having to pay the big fees that most Catholic schools around the country have. The students have well-balanced, nutritional meals in the cafeteria and some teenage students live on campus during the school week in one of the greatest dorms I have ever seen (seriously, I would gladly live in these dorms). This is all just detail to help paint the picture of what the school is about for those who haven’t experienced St. Labre.

So this past week the Reach teams were leading retreats for the freshmen and sophomore classes at the school. I will admit I anticipated the retreats to be chaotic. After having led multiple retreats for middle school and early high school students, I knew that there was going to be a lot of energy in the students. That it would be tough for them to pay attention during speeches or that they may not be interested in activities or that during downtime they would distract themselves with anything not related to the retreat experience. That’s the tough thing about retreats. When I have a hard time keeping the students calm or interested, I become one of those cranky elderly people that are like ‘Back in my day, young whipper-snappers weren’t so hyped-up, talkative, loud, rude, tired, bored, or crazy’ (P.S.-Why do I feel like an old fogey at 23 years old?). In truth being with these students gives me hindsight to my own middle school and high school experiences and I realize that my peers and I were just as hyper, talkative, and crazy as today’s students and that we also got bored or disinterested in what the adults wanted us to do because we wanted to do our own thing.

Viewpoint and Humility

I had a HUGE humbling moment during our sophomore retreat. There was a more serious, prayerful moment where the students were allowed to discuss some of their struggles and issues in life. In that time, my whole viewpoint and understanding of those students changed drastically. The kids, who live on reservations in a quiet and isolated part of Montana, have had very different experiences growing up than I did. They have lived through more severely difficult challenges at this point than I have faced my entire life. I realized how lucky I am to have the life I have and how I can take certain things for granted.

I take for granted the fact that I grew up with both my mom and my dad. I take for granted how supportive and caring my mom and dad are. I take for granted the fact that I have always lived a middle-class life where I have not had to worry about where I will live or what I will eat. I take for granted that in my life I have not had to witness people’s addictions tear apart the family.

And yet, these students at St. Labre Indian School are just about as normal as any teen I’ve met. They like to play sports, watch movies, draw, play videogames, go out hunting, and other fun activities. The teachers and staff that work at the school truly care about these students and these teens deserve caring adults in their lives. I think the adults at that school already know what I am just now realizing.

The Need for Love

What I have come to realize is this: I cannot let any tough experiences I have with the teens affect my view of them and their lives. If I do become cynical and just focus on any tough times, then I begin having the wrong view of the teens. I cannot assume that everybody comes from a background similar to mine, where I was positively influenced by both of my parents and my big family was always around and all I had to worry about was getting my homework done and watching my favorite TV shows. If I think that way, then I miss out on loving the kids through the tough times.

These students need to be loved. No matter how crazy they act or how distracted they are, they still require and deserve love. I'm talking about love like how God loves His creation. How Jesus Christ loved us so much that He sacrificed Himself in His Passion. How I love my best friends and my family in spite of the moments when we argue or dispute something because there are many more happy moments. The students need that LOVE. If they are not receiving it at home, then they need it at school from their friends, their teachers, and their retreat leaders. Even if they are receiving it at home, it never hurts for there to be someone else to give them that love as well.

Theatrical Catholicism

Why Can't Catholics and Theatre Get Along?

Often it seems like Catholicism and the theatre world cannot mix. Maybe it's because professional theatre companies make Monday their day of rest instead of Sunday. Maybe it's because we do not have a lot of strong Catholic actors or famous movie stars who take on Christian movie roles. People like Mark Wahlberg and Sylvester Stallone are Catholic Christian men who choose movie roles that are...well, they don't really uphold solid models of Catholic living.

Funny enough, Mr. Wahlberg and I have the same wardrobe when it comes to Daily Mass attire

For me, the best Catholic acting role models right now are Martin Sheen and Stephen Colbert. Maybe it doesn't seem like acting and Catholicism mix because people associate the theatre world with characters and ideals that are anti-Catholic or at least oppose Church teaching.

Community and Diversity

One of the things that drew me into the world of theatre was seeing how different all of the people involved
were. The theatre department in high school was the kind of place where the band nerds, the athletes, the dancers, the emo outcasts, the brainy kids, the pastor's kid, and other high school archetypes came together as a community to put on a show. That was part of its appeal.

The other part of the appeal was getting to dress up like a gangster
(Sidenote: That is my friend Steve in the front center)

I could fit in amongst this motley crew because I didn't have to fit one particular persona or image. And when you grow closer as a community, you begin to appreciate people for who they are, even if their lifestyle or attitude is something you don't agree with. Of course, it's high school and it's theatre, so there was a ton of drama.

The life in theatre is kind of similar to life in the Catholic Church. The world of theatre has so much variety and different kinds of people, just as the Church has a variety of style and different kinds of people invested in their faith life. A theatre department or troupe has to become a strong community in order to survive a life of performing together. When people like myself take on missions with organizations like Reach Youth Ministry or FOCUS, we have to adjust to a community life in order to evangelize well to the people we encounter.

Catholic Theatre History

I had to take two Theatre History courses as part of my major in college and I especially enjoyed the first course, which covers history from the beginnings of ancient Greek theatre all the way to the 19th century (a lot of theatre happened the last two centuries). Something I found interesting was how the text book related the Catholic Church to Greco-Roman theatre. It talked about how Catholics were responsible for the end of that era of theatre by forcing theatres to shut down because the Church had rules and wanted to abolish anything that didn't obey the rules. Kind of like how today people paint Christianity and Catholicism in particular as this parental institution that tries to bully people into following their rules or otherwise shun them as sinners.

Pictured Above: Bullying

Well, sure the Catholic Church wanted to change Greco-Roman theatre. Here was this raunchy, lustful form of entertainment that was not leading people to Jesus but leading them towards sin. However, as the Church gained more authority and the era of Greco-Roman theatre came to an end, which group of people do you think was responsible for keeping theatre alive? Because sometimes people look at history and just think that after ancient plays like Oedipus stopped being performed, that there was a period of nothing happening until the Medieval period, which led to Shakespeare. However, theatre was still a viable form of entertainment and storytelling between those two time periods, and it's because of the Catholic Church.

Monasteries held copies of the ancient plays and monks and nuns would study scripts to learn how to read and write ancient Greek and Latin. The Church had the authority and wealth to produce performances at local parishes and churches. Songs would be written during special seasons like Lent, Easter and Christmas and performances would be created based on the songs. An important Catholic theatre figure in this time period that I learned about was Hrotsvitha of Gandersheim.

A woman so legendary, you've never heard of her until now! 

Hrotsvitha was a German nun in the 10th century. We have records of scripts that she wrote while at the Gandersheim Abbey. She is considered the first female playwright. What were her plays about? In summary, these plays were either about father figures who sinned and have a conversion by the end of their life or they were about young virgin girls who were martyred because of their purity.

Which made for great bedtime stories at the abbey.

Hrotsvitha is a great role model for someone like me. She actually wrote poetic plays based on Catholic teaching and the lives of the saints. They contain simple casts and, except for some special make-up and props, are easy to produce. Even if her plays were not produced outside of the abbey, it's great for someone who wants to combine his faith and his theatrical passion to have a model like Hrotsvitha.

Issues with Contemporary Theatre

There are two main issues I have with contemporary theatre, both of which involve the popularity of today's musicals and dramas. Firstly, when modern producers and directors aren't trying to create a stage version of a famous movie or reviving an old yet popular musical, they are trying to establish a hit show that is edgy and provocative. Often this revolves around sexuality, whether it's teens coming of age and discovering their sexuality, or a theme on homosexuality, or just the main characters lusting for one another.

Broadway, please do your best to keep Aladdin family appropriate. Pretty please.

These shows are considered provocative and edgy because of their graphic depiction of the sexuality which often times makes audiences feel awkward or uncomfortable. This isn't to say that the show is of bad quality (that would depend on how well the cast and the crew put the show together), but that this is the main idea of what is considered edgy.

You know what would be edgy today? Watching a show about a young teen male who struggles with lust and temptation and at the end of the show DOES NOT sleep with or even kiss the girl that he has that huge crush on. Or witnessing a young woman PROTECT her virginity by withstanding authority figures who try to take it from her and torture her because of her chastity and in the end is martyred because she wants to remain pure for Jesus Christ. Or seeing a musical about Christians in the Middle East who are PERSECUTED because of their beliefs and are still faithful to God.

Imagine Fiddler on the Roof , but instead of Jewish Russians dealing with a pogrom
it's Christian Syrians dealing with terrorism. (Sidenote: this is a very serious and real subject. Please pray for our
persecuted Christian brothers and sisters, especially in the Middle East).

The second issue I have with contemporary theatre is the popularity of shows outside of the theatre community. Most people I know who are not involved in theatre ask me if I plan on going to New York or Hollywood when I tell them I majored in Theatre Performance. People who don't really know about theatre generalize it and assume that there's only two ways to make it in this world as an actor. Either I become part of a Broadway musical or I become a movie star and...that's it, those are my two options to make it as an actor. That's because all they know are popular musicals or Hollywood movies. We all know Phantom of the Opera, Wicked, Les Miserables, Fiddler on the Roof, Guys and Dolls, South Pacific, and other such musicals, or we know the latest Hollywood blockbuster movie.

Though oddly enough, people know the stage musical because they saw the movie first.

Yet, think about your local community theatre. Or professional tours at big theatres, like the Fabulous Fox Theatre in St. Louis. Those are people who majored in theatre, studied in theatre, and still have a life in the world of theatre even though they are not based in New York or Los Angeles.

Over the past couple of years, I've contemplated joining a theatre company that is Catholic and produces Catholic-based plays. Or looking into a general Christian-based theatre company and working with that community. When I inform people of this, they ask "Is there such a thing?". The answer is...not really, and that's the problem. There are very limited options when it comes to joining a high quality, successful Catholic or Christian theatre company. Because a successful company like this is not only a non-profit organization, but it usually limits itself to several one-man shows in order to keep costs and budgets low (at least, that is the conclusion I have come to). So, if I want to minister to people in the theatre world, my best chances are either to establish my own Catholic theatre company or to join a secular theatre company and live out my Catholic faith in front of my peers.

Where Do I Go From Here?

Well, so far my future in theatre is bringing me back home. After taking this year off from collegiate life and the theatre world, I am going back home to seek a Master's in Arts Management at Lindenwood University. I am trying to get involved in the community and professional theatres in the St. Louis area and I believe that, in order to get my foot in the door, I need to re-train myself with the help of instructors and network with my peers. My hope is that if I do not get involved in an already existing theatre company that I am able to create my own. By getting an Arts Management degree, I still have the opportunity for acting and directing but I also have the business background to find some more steady work if I felt called to do more administrative or producing work. All while I maintain my faith life and my ability to share Jesus Christ with the people around me. So yeah, theatre and Catholicism can mix.

A Not So Cleverly Written Title For a Writing Post

Why Write?

A part of me has always wondered why the craft of writing is so appealing to me. Whenever I walk through a bookstore, I realize that a majority of the novels and books there are just total nonsense that either someone has a serious passion for or they're attempting to make some money.

So this is why Borders went out of business!!!!

Attempting to write academic papers was a tough mental chore which took several rounds for me to complete. Even in my creative writing, I start off inspired by some idea or fantasy and within five minutes writer's block hits me and I don't have the patience to continue.

So, why do I turn back to writing time and again? Why did I pick a bunch of creative writing classes as my electives in college? Why do I write so many blog posts? These are all good questions that I hope to shed light on the answers to by delving into my history of writing.

Where It All Began

I am not sure really where my desire for writing came from. I struggled with wanting to read non-picture books growing up and I was not the best at any kind of writing for school work. I do remember that at some point during middle school is when I first wrote tales. I started trying to put down my imagination adventures and dreams onto paper. When I realized writing by hand was super slow (meaning that I lacked the patience to sit there for too long), I started typing on the computer. That's when my joy for creative writing really took off and I began developing stories.

The first stories were nothing too special. I really enjoyed fantasy stories where I put myself as the main hero fighting evil. These early stories really lacked originality because I pretty much based them on stories I was familiar with.

For example, the Harry Potter book series

We all know I would've been a better Harry than Daniel Radcliffe. Right?...

Or the cartoons I was watching like Dragon Ball Z

If only so I could pretend I could actually do the Kamehameha wave.

Over time as I was writing, my family had to trash a couple of old computer hard drives which contained these early story ideas. It's probably for the best because I would be embarrassed by the tone of the writing or the cheesiness of the idea (although a part of me would enjoy having those stories today and editing them).

Escapism

Even as I got older and my story ideas got slightly more original, I realize now that my story writing then was a form of escapism. I could escape my struggles with schoolwork, classmates, and dating issues by writing stories where everything worked out for me. Where I could be the secret hero that gets his dream girl and everything works out for me, the hero.

The odd thing was that often times my escapism brought me to apocalyptic scenarios, where zombies would break loose or aliens would invade. I think it stemmed from my feeling then that the only way I could date a girl way out of my league would be if the zombie apocalypse happened.

Kinda like how Jesse Eisenburg managed to win over Emma Stone in Zombieland

Just think about how weird that is for a second. Here I am, locking myself up in my room and spending my free time imagining stories about the end of the world where I could get my dream girl AND save the day without really having to do anything physical. That was the truth about my escapism. I wanted to be a hero without going outside and getting fit and doing the things necessary to be as heroic as my imaginations.

The College Years

It was only when I went off to college that I began to experiment with other forms of writing.Taking certain English and Theatre classes inspired me to work on forms of poetry and script-writing. I could be a little more creative with these styles because of how different the structure is than story-telling.

My fuel for my writing creativity? Mountain Dew.

College classes even helped me improve my creative writing. Short stories forced me to make my conflicts and resolutions more succinct. Not only that, but my stories became more centered in realism. Instead of making up action heroes and apocalypses, I wrote about normal teens and young adults in normal settings (mostly). It was also cool to see my Catholic faith influence more of these short stories. Even back in high school, my characters had gone to Catholic school or went to Mass every so often, but now in college as I developed my faith I began to promote Catholic teachings through the themes and conflicts in the stories. Had it not been for these college courses though, I would still be stuck writing terribly long, action-based tales where everything goes well for the hero and the only conflict is punching evil in the face.

In case you need a visual reference for punching evil in the face.

To Answer the Previous Questions

Now after giving you a somewhat strange account of my life (all part of my crazy future memoir, I'm sure), I guess I should answer those questions I posted earlier.

Why do I turn back to writing time and again? I suppose I have always had an active imagination. I write in order to continue develop daydreams because I can't help but daydream all the time.

Who wouldn't daydream when driving through a view like this?

Also, that escapism that occurs when I write helps me live out some aspirations about the kind of guy I would like to be. Those qualities I give my main heroic characters are the qualities I wish I had. When I'm not doing creative writing, usually I write in order to comment on an issue that is on my mind. Usually there is some sort of topic or debate that is really bugging me and I put my thoughts on paper or document through a creative style of writing to clear my head.

Why did I pick a bunch of creative writing classes as my electives in college? At first it was a way to fill an elective credit by doing something that I was already doing with my free time growing up. After that first class, I realized that while I enjoyed writing I still had much to learn on how to craft a good story together. So I took those classes in order to continue practicing my writing craft, make some mistakes, and learn from my peers and instructors what makes a good story and what I can add to the writing world.

Why do I write so many blog posts? Like I said, I often contemplate on various issues that come up in my life and I like to work out my thoughts on those issues by putting it in writing. A blog is just a different style of writing in general and story-telling in particular. Also, this is a great way to keep my family and friends back home updated on my life and dive deeper into those updates.

Shattering My Perfect World

Pictured above: A Google Image Search Result for "My Perfect World"

"In a perfect world, I would be 6'3" and have a perfect head of hair and look like Orlando Bloom."-Moby

What Would Be My Perfect World?

In my perfect world, I would be able to afford a nice apartment. In that apartment, I would make sure to have a comfy recliner and a fold-out couch. My walls would be decorated with Catholic artwork or depictions of saints. I would have a bookshelf full of manly novels and I would relax by sitting in my recliner and burning the same kind of incense that is used at church. I would have a big Great Dane dog that would be the most well-trained and well-behaved dog ever.

In my perfect world, I would be able to work a few jobs at the same time without having to worry about my time commitment or money. I would be a musician in a well-known rock band where I would play guitar, saxophone, keyboard, banjo, and drums, and I would sing as well. When not touring with the band, I would be working at my Man Store, which would consist of a bar with good craft beer, a lounge to drink and hang out in, a bookstore full of manly reading material, a store for man cave furniture and decor as well as classic shaving razors and kits. When not doing music or working at the Man Store, I would direct and produce high quality theatrical productions with my own Catholic-based theatre company. My theatre company would not only perform interpretations of famous plays by writers like Shakespeare, but also develop our own scripts that focus on the Catholic Church's teachings and practices.

In my perfect world, I would soon be married. My wife would be a strong Catholic woman who is funny, has a gorgeous singing voice, challenges me to grow closer to God, and is breathtakingly beautiful. We would quickly move, with the Great Dane, to a rustic yet modern cabin in the Smoky Mountains where I could still work as a musician, a director of a Catholic theatre company, and a proprietor of the new Man Store in the mountains. My wife and I would go out hiking, canoeing, rafting, horseback riding, and hang-gliding as often as we would like. Not to mention we could do some pretty awesome parkour tricks and rock climbs in the mountains.

In my perfect world, there would not be people in poverty. Everybody could afford clean water, good housing, plenty of food, quality clothes, and a high-functioning vehicle to travel in. There would not be any violence. All of the governments would do what is best for the people. Everybody would have a relationship with God. All of the major celebrities and actors would create Catholic media, be seen walking out of Sunday Mass, and living a lifestyle that Jesus Christ calls us to live. There would not be any alcoholics, drug addicts, rapists, child molesters, terrorists, or any other form of violent or abusive person because everyone would avoid those destructive behaviors.

Shattered By Reality

As we all know, our dreams and aspirations for our lives in this world do not always match the truth of reality. My idea of a perfect world may seem like the ideal world to me, but it may not be the perfect world for someone else and it may not be what God has planned for my life. Not only that, but reality is harsh sometimes, because we live in a screwed up, faulty, human world.

Here's the thing. God created us so that we may have an all-loving, perfect relationship with Him. He created us to be close to Him so that we may go forth and share His love and mercy with all people. The problem is sin screws things up. The story of Adam and Eve shows us that when we make selfish and stupid decisions that deny God's will, then conflict and turmoil enters our lives and breaks our relationship with God. Sin keeps us from reaching the perfect world ideal because it pulls us away from God.

I believe that we have dreams and aspirations because God innately gives us clues to what He wants us to desire and be passionate about. My dreams for a perfect world and a perfect life come from a good desire. I want all people to be provided and cared for, for peace and love to reign especially in war-torn areas, and I want the true beauty of the Catholic Church to shine in pop culture and the media. I want a life that promotes a healthy, masculine lifestyle where I have jobs that I am passionate about and I establish strong relationships based on my Catholic faith.

Yet I know that my perfect world may not come to fruition. There are so many people in this world with different intentions and even I myself have faults that may not help this perfect world come into being. I can be lazy, tired, rude, selfish, lack certain skills, and any other number of faulty things. It is important, however, to have a goal, an idea, to work towards and recognize the obstacles that may get in the way of that goal.

My Hopes for a Perfect Real World

My hope is that I am able to get a bachlor-pad apartment with the works (i.e. all the stuff I described earlier), but if not I will still somewhere with less (or different) stuff. My hope is that I am able to afford being able to take care of a big dog like a Great Dane, but if not then at least I won't have to worry about taking care of a pet.

My hope is that I find the career or job that God is calling me to so I can be happy and passionate about it. My hope is that I find a wife and I know God will help me realize which woman He wants me to marry. My hope is to make a life in the Smoky Mountains, but God will help me settle in the place that He wants me to.

I hope that all people are brought out of poverty and that all war and violence comes to an end and that guys like Mark Wahlberg will create good Catholic movies and that anybody struggling with addictions or abuse is able to overcome that. I know that while it may not happen in my lifetime, I can still pray for it and take action to help those in need. God will take care of the rest.

Time Travel Relationships, Risks and Sacrifices: About Time

Over the past weekend, my team and I watched a movie with the mom of the host family we were staying with. We picked About Time and it was a great film that had me thinking about things afterwards. The summary, in short, goes like this: Tim (Domhnall Gleeson) learns from his father (Bill Nighy) that he has the ability to travel back in time and he uses these abilities to win over his love interest (Rachel McAdams).

I just wanted to share with you some reflections on parts of the movie I found questionable and parts of the movie that I was inspired by. I encourage everyone to see this movie, but just fair warning to y'all, this post has movie spoilers involved. Again, from here on out: SPOILER ALERT.

Now that that's out of the way, it would be helpful to start this off by explaining the rules of time travel involved in About Time. Each movie that involves time travel sets up some rules in order to help the audience understand how it works (ex. You must be traveling at 88 MPH using a flux capacitor in Back to the Future).

Time Travel Rules For About Time

• You must be a man in this particular family. Tim's dad and grandfather and all other men before him could time travel.
• You can only time travel to a memory. You cannot travel from the present to the future, but you can go as far back in your lifetime as you'd like.
• You must be in a dark place, clench your fists, and think of a particular memory to travel.
• Changing things before a child's conception or birth risks changing the child (more on that later).

Now that the rules have been established, I want to dig into the things that I found disagreeable in this film. These are aspects of the movie where there is questionable morality.

My Conflicts with About Time

The First Date Hook-Up: Tim and Mary have a wonderful first date experience (This is the third time Tim has met Mary, but it's her first time meeting him). He walks her back to her place and is invited inside. Pretty soon, they go all the way. Eventually Tim moves in and lives with her. Now, let me clarify that I am not condemning or judging people in my own life who have done this. This is just a part of the movie that I found had questionable morality which I disagree with. The couple had beautiful, awkward, blossoming romance before this scene, and romance does not involve going to bed with each other after a date. Not to mention it makes it awkward having to try to fast forward through this scene with the host mom present (none of us realized this would be in the movie).

Saying No to a Baby Boy: So, Tim and Mary are now married and have a baby girl, Posy. However, Tim decides to travel far back in time in order to help his sister avoid a disastrous relationship. When he returns to the present, Tim finds a baby boy waiting for him, not a baby girl. Confused and upset, Tim returns everything to the way it originally was in order to have a baby girl once again.

It turns out that, because of how far back Tim had gone and how drastically things changed, a butterfly effect happened and changed the outcome of his child's conception. The remaining question is: Why would Tim reverse things in order to have a girl instead of a boy? In this new timeline, he would have spent as much time with the boy as with the girl before and would have fond memories and connections with both of them. Does Tim want to avoid carrying on the family's time traveling ability? Either way, Tim would rather change things back to normal and have his sister go through years of a destructive relationship with a guy just so he could raise a girl rather than being willingly to raise a boy.

Free Will vs. God's Will: This is my biggest conflict with the movie. The idea of time travel and changing mistakes conflicts with my understanding of God having a plan for our lives. We are meant to go through hardships and conflicts in order to help us mature, gain experience, and grow closer to God. Yet, with this ability to time travel, Tim can avoid conflicts and manipulate his life so that it turns out the way he wants it, not necessarily how God wants it. Ultimately, Tim (like all of us) has the free will to make the choices in life that he wants to make, but the way that he uses his gift could potentially cut out God's will for his life (ex. God might want Tim to raise a son instead of a daughter, but Tim chooses a daughter).

However, I am asking myself several questions because of this time travel ability: Is Tim's time travel ability a gift from God? Is it OK for Tim to use this ability to change things in order to help other people? Is it God's will that Tim goes through all of these different scenarios and still gain the experiences without suffering consequences and conflict? In the end, will God's plan for Tim's life still happen (Is Tim meant to marry Mary? Is Tim meant to have these particular kids?) even with Tim's interference?

The Scenes That Made Me Appreciate About Time

Tim First Meets Mary: Tim goes out to dinner with his friend Jay to a restaurant where people eat food in the dark. They are sat down at a table with two women, Mary and her friend Joanna. They spend three hours at dinner together in the dark before they finally see each other outside to say goodbye. The beautiful thing about this scene is how well Tim and Mary get along and get to know each other without ever seeing what each other look like until the end.

Tim is nervous to meet her because of how great of a time he had and is afraid that they will not click once they see what each other look like. Tim desires Mary because of how much he got to know her during their meal, her personality, her humor, her quirkiness. It is only after the end of the dinner that Tim actually sees Mary for the first time and is astounded by her beauty. It's awesome to see a movie put focus on a couple falling for each other's humor and personality before their physical appearance.

Tim's Sacrifice for His House Mate: Early in the movie, Tim moves in with a grumpy, dramatic playwright named Harry. The opening of Harry's new play occurs the same time as Tim goes out to dinner and meets Mary for the first time. When Tim comes home, he learns that Harry's play was ruined because his actor forgot his lines. Without a second thought, Tim time-travels to go with Harry to the play. Tim talks with the actors, and even holds cue-cards, to help the performance.

Before, the play was a disaster, but with Tim's help, the play turns out to be an incredibly successful masterpiece. By going back and being at the performance, Tim loses his first perfect meeting with Mary and has to track her down to start over again. He doesn't go back in order to experience the date again, therefore sacrificing his romantic life for the good of his friend's life and career.

Tim Overcomes Temptation: At this point, Tim and Mary are dating. Tim is out without Mary one night and bumps into Charlotte. Charlotte is an attractive blonde that Tim had a huge crush on in the past, but she rejected him. Now, however, Charlotte is glad to see Tim again. They catch up a bit before Charlotte asks Tim to walk her home. He does so politely, all the while leaving us unsure as to whether his old feelings are taking over. They come to Charlotte's doorstep and Charlotte invites Tim in. After a short pause, Tim rejects her invitation and leaves Charlotte to return to Mary and propose to her.

It's incredible to have an example in a movie of a man overcoming this kind of temptation. The stereotype is that a man in this position would give in to lust and that would cause conflict, but this time Tim rises above the stereotype. The audience could see the willpower and courage it took for Tim to reject Charlotte's invitation. Tim knows that Mary is the wonderful woman that he has been searching for all of his life and that Charlotte is just a beautiful woman that inspired lust in him, not love.

Tim Tries to Help His Sister: I know I already mentioned this earlier, but it's worth mentioning again. Tim loves his sister very much. After she gets in a drunk driving accident and Tim realizes she has an alcohol problem that stems from her damaging dating relationship, Tim goes back in time to help her avoid that relationship all together so that she is not hurt in the future. He sees that his sister is eventually happy with his friend Jay. However, he returns everything to the way it originally was (for reasons explained earlier) and after his sister's accident talks her into dumping her jerk boyfriend and begin dating Jay.

Tim's Relationship with His Father: These two spend a lot of the movie together. They play table tennis, listen to old records, and hang out on the beach. Tim seeks his father's advice often, especially when it comes to time travel. Even after establishing life in London, Tim goes over to Cornwall often to visit his parents and be with his dad in particular. It's a model father-son relationship without feeling cheesy. This leads me to the final scene I want to mention.

Tim Sacrifices His Time with His Father: Major spoiler here: Tim's father dies during the movie. The only way that Tim can be present with his father after the death is by traveling back in time. However, Mary wants to have another child (They have two kids at this point, but Mary wants to try for three and beyond). Tim knows that the birth of the third child means risking changing that child drastically and affecting his relationship with it (like what happened with his girl Posy). However, avoiding time travel means never being present with his father again.

In the end, Tim time travels one last time the night before his third child is born to have one last hoorah with his father. Then, Tim gives up time travel. Here in the end, Tim avoids his selfish desires and sacrifices not only his ability, but his father's presence. We all have to let go of a loved one at some point, but Tim never thought that he would lose his father because he could visit his memories for as long as he lived. He sacrifices that time because of how much he loves his wife and his children.

New Explorations

The Nature of Exploring

When I was growing up, my family took lots of camping trips. We would spend a few days in the woods, hiking trails and visiting small towns by day and sleeping in tents by night. Eventually, my family overall preferred staying in cabins, but we still enjoyed taking time each year to go out to the woods and explore nature. My parents would sometimes have to get on my case when I was a little kid because I wanted to jump on the trees, climb rock piles, stand in the middle of the overflowing creeks, and pretty much do whatever sidetracked me off the trail. Even though I may have lost some of that energy or physicality over the years, I still enjoy going on hikes and taking time to explore the space around the trail.

My version of hiking when I was 10...and 20.

During this past summer, my parents hosted a graduation party for me since I finished my undergrad at MSU. It was a warm and humid afternoon, but it was super sunny, so my little kid cousins (well the children of my immediate cousins anyway) wanted to go play outside. Especially the brothers Austin (age 12 then) and Ty (age 8 then). We did some sports for a bit before having to take a cooling break inside. I was about to recommend that we go explore the woods in my backyard next before one of the brothers excitedly asked me if we could go walk through the woods. So after getting permission and bug spray, a band of us gathered in the backyard. Myself, Austin, Ty, my brother Adam, and my cousin (and previous roommate) Jeremy.

Now, Austin and Ty live in Wentzville, which is a more rural and less populated area compared to St. Charles. I assumed that they had at some point gone out exploring the woodlands around their house or had gone hiking before. Turns out I assumed wrong. These kids were excited but nervous about their first independent experience of going into the woods. One was afraid he wouldn't be able to recognize poison ivy and get covered in it (they were wearing a sleeveless shirt and shorts cause it was summer and all) while the other was concerned about spiders crawling all over him. It took a lot of reassurance from Adam, Jeremy, and myself to convince them to go into the woods.

Come on, boys. The woods aren't that creepy.

Their attitude towards exploring those woods is typical of the way I feel about new things in my life. I'm excited about the prospect of the adventure, going to see new sights and having an adventure in the wilderness. I'm excited about the idea of the exploration. It's when I finally get there, when I come to the final moment of choosing whether to go forward or turn back, that I get nervous. Nervousness usually arrives because of the unknown and the risk I take in the adventure.

Like when you're not sure if the salad bar is the best choice for dinner

Uncertainty and Nerves

There was one spring break during college where my family took a mini-vacation to the Lake of the Ozarks. We rented a cabin deep in the woods and just took time to hike and relax. We had arrived separately because I was heading back to Springfield after the trip while the rest of the family would head back home. My original plan was, after the family would leave, to stay another night in the cabin by myself and leave for Springfield the next morning. I wanted to have time out in the wilderness to write and practice guitar and allow the space to influence my creativity. Well, after the first night in the cabin, I realized how much more comfortable and non-creepy my bedroom in Springfield was and left the trip the same time my family did.

No, but I am afraid of the monsters and animals that will come to eat me in the dark

Before coming to the Northwest, I knew joining Reach Youth Ministry was going to be quite the exploration experience. I hadn't really seen this part of the Northwest before, I was struggling to fundraise towards my goal, I didn't really know anyone else that was joining, I had only been on one other flight before, and I had almost no idea what I would really be doing in this ministry. I knew that I would be excited to see the mountains and the beauty of places like the state of Montana. Because of how new everything was to me, I did not really know what to expect, so I was nervous that I would not have a good experience.

When I first arrived in Yakima, I wanted to walk around the place and see what was within decent walking distance of the house. As I got ready to walk out for the first time, the people around me warned me to avoid certain areas because we are in the sketchy part of town and I would be taking chances depending on where I would go.

You can tell the quality of the neighborhood by the blandness of the movie theater

I paused for a moment, not sure whether I really would come across trouble or not. Then I realized as long as I stuck to busy streets with open views, then I really had nothing to fear. So I went out the door and found that Subway was a good walking distance away.

Fascination with New

Every time I get on a plane to fly, I get super excited to look out the window. It's amazing seeing the cloud formations up close or looking down and seeing snow covered mountains or an area lit up by street lights from thousands of feet above. Flying is a new experience for me and I enjoy seeing different parts of the country in a way I've hardly experienced before. Yet, my favorite mode of transportation is driving my car.

Driving is such a freeing experience, and I get to see so many beautiful things up close. Even though I drove down Highway 44 countless times between home and college, I always found something different to look at and something new to focus on. The various billboards and homemade signs, the old run down farmhouse on the side of the road, a new gas station, a new place to stop at, all of which pale in comparison to the trees and hills and beautiful scenery between Springfield and St. Louis.

A big part of my fascination with exploration, whether its something familiar or not, is having it be a new fresh experience. Whenever I go to Daily Mass, especially at a church or chapel I attend regularly, I try to pick a different spot to sit than where I was yesterday so I can see everything from a new angle. In the theatre world, each rehearsal and each performance involves something familiar, but I try to make it fresh in my mind and pretend like it's a new experience, often times exploring the play and the character with different approaches in each rehearsal process.

That's me in the background, trying to decide whether to pretend to write science-y things
OR switch it up and actually do my history homework.

Over the next couple of months, I will be traveling to more new places around Washington, seeing the state's scenery and meeting different churches and communities. After Reach, I fly back home where I try out new things like getting a permanent job and starting my Master's Degree studies. Every day, I try to explore something new and see something different. Even in the old familiar places, there's something different that requires deeper exploration.

The Ladies of St. Francis Team

So after doing my video blog for the ladies in Helena, I figured I should also do a video for my current female teammates in Yakima. I had to wait to record a video when they weren't at the house so I could make this a surprise.

Like I've said many times before, it's been an adjustment for me switching teams and trying to figure out team dynamics. I can only imagine the adjustment it has been for my teammates. However, we've been a team for about two months, which has given me some time to assimilate and witness the strengths that my teammates have.

These ladies are different than my female teammates on the Holy Family team, and they have different gifts that fit well for this ministry that is loaded with retreats on most weekends. These are my thoughts on the great things I have witnessed these three ladies attribute to our ministry efforts.

Again, I decided to do this post in the form of a video blog, as you can see below. Enjoy!

My Commitments for Lent

So today is Ash Wednesday and the Catholic Church begins the season of Lent. During my childhood, I did not really take my Lenten sacrifices seriously and would often end up not really doing anything (or at least breaking my commitment from whatever I was sacrificing that year). During college, I wanted to begin making a strong commitment to Lent, and so not only would I challenge myself to sacrifice one thing, but I would sacrifice multiple things. Again, because I'm a faulty person, I would give up halfway through and just focus on one thing for the rest of the season.

You may have heard this said before, but I figure it wouldn't hurt to reiterate this point: Lent is not just about taking a break from a food or about Fish Fry Fridays or avoiding social media for 40 days. It is about taking time to grow closer to God and, through a sacrifice or commitment, changing the way we live so as to be more like Jesus Christ. Over these next few weeks until Easter, I am making a stronger effort to avoid things that distract me from God and deepen my relationship with Him. The 40 days is to remind us of Jesus' strength and sacrifice during His time in the wilderness so that we may rise with newness and joy like He did on Easter Sunday.

So, this year I am going to make several commitments during Lent again. I have even put together a list that I am placing by my door so I am reminded of my Lenten promises every day. These commitments of mine are focused on the three main aspects of the season of Lent: Prayer, Fasting, and Almsgiving.

Prayer: You might think that being on Reach Youth Ministry means I shouldn't really have a problem with commitment to prayer. We already schedule personal prayer time, team prayer, and Mass on a daily basis, and I say prayers before I go to bed at night. However, there is always something I can do in order to strengthen my communication with God. This year, I have decided to:

-Pray a daily rosary. It has been emphasized as a tremendously powerful form of prayer from multiple sources and it focuses on important moments in the Gospel.
-Create a prayer list. This keeps me accountability for all of the prayers I promise to say and helps me better focus on the people in need of prayer.
-1 solid hour of prayer. Sometimes my personal prayer time ends up being 30-45 minutes, but I want to commit myself to longer prayer so that I can better focus on my communication with God.

Fasting: There is always something that I could cut back on. This area is not just food related. I think I come across many distractions in my life that I spend time on instead of being focused on what God needs me to do in my life. There are two things I want to cut from my life this season. My hope is that focusing on these two also affects other areas in my life that need fasting.

-Soda. I already tried a month long soda fast this year with an intention to cut back, but old habits die hard and I returned to drinking more than I wanted. I wish to cut soda from my diet not just for healthy consumption and cutting back on caffeine, but I also want to save money I would otherwise spend on multiple sodas in a week.
-Music. You may have guessed that I really enjoy my music (I have talked about it a couple of times on this blog already). However, I spend a lot of my time looking at concert videos on Youtube or finding the right music on Spotify to listen to while I'm on social media. My hope is that by cutting out my music (by which I mean voluntarily listening to my own music on my laptop or Ipod) that I use my free time better, decrease my time on social media, and be more productive in silence.

Almsgiving: This is the hardest one for me to develop. I mean, I am on a very limited budget with Reach. However, I am called to share what I have with those in need. And, I am trying to focus especially on the 'giving' aspect of this.

-Carry spare change for the poor. Every time I see a man with a cardboard sign on the side of the road, or if I see someone walking down the street with a cart of their belongings, I feel like I should help them out instead of ignoring them. So, my hope is to have some extra change on me during Lent to be able to give to those in need that I come across.
-Compliment something I would rather critique. My team gives me trouble because I am very critical of everything, from food to movies to music and so forth, which makes it hard for them to recognize that there are many things that I appreciate and enjoy. I want to give praise and positive reviews to things that I would almost primarily criticize. So, for Lent, I want to avoid saying anything negative about the media I take in and the food that I eat and instead find the positive aspects in those things.
-Donate to CCM's Spring Ring. It's officially on the list, Springfield friends. I can't promise it will be much, I will definitely help out the place that provided much of joy and spiritual growth that I experienced in college.

I know this looks like a big list. This is definitely not a thing where I'm trying to be like "Look at me and all the stuff I'm going to be doing cause I'm cool". Far from it. I am aware that there are many areas of my life where I am faulty and need change to be more like Jesus Christ. During Lent, I am challenging myself to grow in many ways. Please pray that I am able to stand strong and be committed to these sacrifices all of Lent.

I pray that if you are making a sacrifice or commitment during Lent that over these next 40 days that you grow closer to God and become more like Jesus Christ through that commitment.

The Ladies on Holy Family Team

This post is brought to you by personal request.

On my birthday, I was blessed to be able to Skype with the women on the Holy Family Reach team, the team that I was a part of in the fall semester. We also had a marvelous reunion for lunch in the Tri-Cities, though even the nearly two hours we spent together didn't seem like enough to catch up on everything in life. Except for these two occasions, the last time I got to speak to these ladies and see them at the same time was in mid-December as everyone prepared to leave for Christmas/ New Year's break. Little did I know that God had big plans for Reach, which included transferring me to the St. Francis team in Yakima, WA before I could return to the Northwest.

It's been an adjustment to say the least, transitioning to life with a completely new team with a completely new dynamic. During break, I was looking forward to returning to my team that I got to know since late August, the one that had a special passion for Space Jam, the song 'I Believe I Can Fly', Bible Study at Lewis and Clark Brewing Company, and silly comedies by Adam Sandler and Will Ferrell.

So I decided this post would focus on this quartet of great Catholic ladies. I also figured today would be a good day to try a video blog as part of my post (though that too was personally requested).

The Power of Legacy

Family History:

My dad is a bit of a history buff, and he is also one of the most knowledgable family historians in my family. He is THE guy that researched our family's ancestry, put together long and extensive family trees, and could most likely name my great-great-grandfather's-sister's-aunt's-cousin-twice-removed on both his side and my mom's side if I asked him.

I am fascinated by my family lineage and I give Dad the credit for that. I think it's cool seeing the history of my ancestors' journies from Western Europe and linking that to how I came to be a product of the Midwest. My mom's side of the family are Europeans who in the past couple of centuries have moved from the Northeast U.S. and settled in the St. Louis region of Missouri. My dad's side of the family, while mostly European lineage, has been here a little while longer, first settling around South Carolina in the colonial era and moving around the South, eventually coming northwest to states like Illinois where my dad was born (my dad eventually came to the St. Louis area for work and settled down there after marrying my mom).

The reason I bring all this up is because family history is a family's personal legacy. I am part of the legacy of my branch of the Rollins and Gardiner families (amongst a host of other family names). I am the man I am today because of where my family came from and how the society and culture of my ancient family members shaped them. I think part of the reason why I am thrilled by the idea of traveling to Europe, why I am fond of the natural beauty of the South, and why I am proud to be from my region of Missouri is because I have links to each of those places and my family legacy is connected to those areas.

A Man's Legacy:

Legacy is important to me because it is one of the reasons why I want to become a father one day. I want to be able to pass on the name of Rollins and raise up a funny, strong, cultured generation of Rollinses. I want to pass on my family history to my future sons and daughters and tell them 'You are linked to the ancient kings of England and Scotland' and 'You come from tough mountain folk of the Appalachains' and 'This is where our family gets such weird and interesting names like Keeler and Timlin'.

I always found it interesting that my mom's dad, Bruce Gardiner, had 9 children, 5 of whom were sons, and yet out of his 23 grandchildren, only 2 are men that carry on the name Gardiner. My mom's sisters mostly had sons (My aunt Reggie has 2 daughters and 1 son, the only sister to have daughters) and my mom's brothers mostly had daughters (My uncle Rob has 2 sons and 6 daughters, the only brother to have sons). This is not to say that the rest of us are not proud to come from the Gardiner family. We love our Gardiner relatives dearly and make a point to see each other often to remain connected. However, there's something about being attached to a family by last name that creates a closer link, in my mind, to a legacy.

As I may have said before, St. Charles Borromeo is one of my favorite saints. He came from a rich, noble family in Milan, Italy. The Borromeo name had power in that region at the time. Being a member of the Borromeo family meant that you had great power, wealth, generosity, and kindness. St. Charles, becoming a priest, may not have carried on the family legacy through progeny, but he still had the great qualities that came from being a Borromeo and used those qualities to help those in need. He had a direct connection to the power and legacy of the Borromeo clan by bearing the family's last name.

Personal Story and Witnessing Legacy:

One of the interesting things about switching teams on Reach is that I have gotten a better grasp on the legacy of Reach Youth Ministry. Sure, the ministry's website has a great synopsis of the history of Reach, but actually being in Yakima, WA is a more intense experience. This is where it all began for the ministry and
I have been meeting so many people who have been involved in this ministry over the years. Physically hearing stories about past Reach teams and listening to how Reach has grown and morphed in the Diocese of Yakima is so wonderful. I can understand why people from centuries ago enjoyed swapping stories and storytelling.

You see, Reach has only been headquartered in Helena, MT for three years. I met a couple of youth ministers who did Reach back in the day and I heard some funny stories, but it does not match the atmosphere of Yakima. There are many more people who were involved in Reach, which was started in Yakima in the mid-1970s, and have witnessed the history of Reach, the struggles teams have overcome, and the relationship between the organization, the dioceses it serves, and the communities it reaches out to. This is the first year that so many people doing Reach have come from outside the Northwest and have come from far off places like Virginia, Florida, Alabama, and Kentucky. It's a new chapter for Reach's legacy.

Catholic Legacy:

The Catholic Church in general has a rich legacy. The priests and the bishops that we have today are linked to Jesus Christ's Apostles and the people they baptized and taught. That is a rich history where, because of tradition and the faith of the early Christians, the priesthood and the men involved in that holy brotherhood have a nearly 2000 year old legacy. Take Pope Francis who, because of his position, can look at the history of the popes that have come before him and see a lineage of men that connects him to St. Peter. The martyrs and the saints are also a huge part of Catholicism's legacy in this world. Our churches are named after holy people and that name has a power and impact upon that church's community.

For example, the church I grew up going to was St. Charles Borromeo Parish. That name has special meaning for me and has had an impact upon the whole church community (not to mention the fact that the church is located in St. Charles, Missouri). St. Rose Philippine Duchesne is buried in St. Charles, MO. She came from France with her Community of the Sacred Heart, which has had a great impact on education in the area. The Academy of the Sacred Heart still stands today on the same grounds as the Shrine of St. Rose Philippine Duchesne (where she is buried) and a local high school is named after her. I feel a connection to those names because of the legacy that binds us together.

When I was in college, a few of my friends named their homes after holy men.  The FOCUS missionaries named their place the Frassati House after Blessed Pier Giorgio Frassati and a group of guys named their place House Pio after St. Padre Pio. They wanted to name their home after a strong, saintly, manly figure and after I looked into the lives of both those men, I understood that those names were chosen wisely.


I like knowing where I come from and understanding the history of my family. I like being a part of a faith community that celebrates its traditions and emphasizes a family atmosphere, even if I am not directly blood related to any saints. And while it's cool to appreciate the past, I know that I cannot make it my strongest emphasis. I need to live in the present while understanding the legacy that brought me to here today. When I understand that, I can help continue a strong legacy for future generations to appreciate. Eventually my name may only be seen on a grave marker or on a family tree (or my Facebook page cause those things last forever), but I know that when I look at my own family tree and see the names of my ancestors, those names have meaning to me because they had some impact on my own history.