Coheed and Cambria's Albums Rankings

Writer's Note: I actually started this list several months before its publishing, back when I was binge watching Todd in the Shadows music reviews on Youtube, so you may notice a bit of his snarky influence in my reviews of the albums. It was also being edited right before the band went on tour to play their third album in its entirety live. I've only just now finished the latter half of the list, which you'll notice is pretty longwinded and less cranky comparatively.

One of my favorite bands ever and one of my biggest influences in my taste in music and storytelling is Coheed and Cambria. Coheed and Cambria is a rock band from New York state, and depending on who you ask would determine what specific genre of rock they are defined as (emo, progressive, etc.). The name of the band comes from characters created by singer/ guitarist Claudio Sanchez and majority of their discography is about a sci-fi universe concept which during the first four albums was mostly known as the Amory Wars Saga, but the latter albums have less to do with the Amory Wars itself and more to do with the concept universe (Coheed scholars may try to correct me on my basic explanations of this idea to non-fans).

The band consists of Claudio, lead guitarist Travis Stever, drummer Josh Eppard, and bassist Zach Cooper, though previous band members included Chris Pennie on drums and Mic Todd on bass. The band's story is an interesting one, and there are a few documentaries that the band has made chronicling their journey thus far. Coheed and Cambria has created 8 albums since 2001. Because there is a lack of lists ranking Coheed albums from worst to best (outside of fan forums that is), I decided to do my own personal list. This is just my subjective opinion on which album is the worst and progressing to which album is the best.

I'll try to cover as many of the songs as possible for each album to give the full explanation and scope of what I consider to be the valuable elements and the trashy garbage (yes, even fans can have honest negative opinions of things they like) of music by Coheed and Cambria. This will periodically include an examination of demo songs if I find their inclusion necessary for discussion. Also you may see me occasionally refer to the 'album formula' of Coheed and Cambria, which for all intents and purposes, is: slow melodic intro, anthem song, rock music, acoustic ballad, more rock, proggy suite of storyline songs, soft gentle ending.

I get the feeling this kind of list will both intrigue some Coheed fans as well as turn off other Coheed fans. This albums ranking comes after many years of digesting and thinking about Coheed music and how now that I am not as obsessive about the group as I once was, I feel like I can have a more thorough understanding and appreciation, as well as misunderstanding and unappreciation, of the band and their music. Also, some of my song and album analyses are brutally honest and critical, so if the band members ever read this...I'm not sorry for my subjective opinions on the matter, guys, but at least I still do appreciate elements and music found within each album. Anyway, enough of the chatter. On with the list!

8. The Color Before The Sun

The latest Coheed album and the only one (thus far) not directly connected to the Amory Wars sci-fi story plot. I'm not saying that's why this album is the worst, I'm just stating facts. It's also a fact that this album has the least hard/ progressive rock sounds in all of their albums thus far, which I do consider to be a negative. What used to be a fun, aggressive adventure has turned into a soft, emotional examination of real life fatherhood, husbandry, and life in a band. Claudio has always mixed his personal life with song lyrics, but it's much more at the forefront of this album. Now to be fair, there are some great songs out of this.

'The Audience' maintained the aggressive, progressive sounds I've always loved about Coheed and Cambria. 'Atlas' is a punchy uplifting song dedicated to Claudio's son and 'Ghost' is a simple acoustic ballad about the fear of failing as a father based on the examples of father figures from the past. Unfortunately, these are the best of a very blah album.

'Here to Mars' and 'Eraser' are some of the album's other harder songs, but they both demonstrate generic, pop radio, formulaic composition for the instruments and also contain sounds that are more cliche Coheed rather than signature Coheed. 'Island' and 'You've Got Spirit, Kid' are the kind of songs that sound happy in their delivery but lyrically they are downtrodden and emo, the type of songs that are written by high schoolers and should be performed by high schoolers (similar to all of the songs by the band Ludo).

 'Colors' has some good moments with the guitar plucking and the vocal effects, but it is weighed down by overly-extended, gentle pacing. 'Young Love' is one of the least interesting power ballads I've ever heard. And 'Peace to the Mountain' is just...confusing...some sort of self-conscious worryfest dressed as new age hippie happy-go-lucky kumbaya nonsense that tries to hit me in the feels but just doesn't connect. In their last few albums, Coheed seems to like to end the CD with some long soft emotional piece and this one is just the longest drag of them all.

Demos: 'Bridge & Tunnel', for all of the computerized effects, is actually catchy and uplifting, the kind of happy romantic song that Claudio likes to write about and has finally gotten right. I actually forgot what 'Fangs of the Fox' sounded like before listening to it for this list and for something that has a semi-ferocious name, it's just 'Iron Fist' (see Descension review below) redone to sound even more like a cheesy 60s folk acoustic ballad.

7. Good Apollo I'm Burning Star IV: No World for Tomorrow

This was the second Coheed album I ever listened to and after hearing its predecessor first, this one was a bit of a letdown. Sure it has some hard knocking, hard rocking songs and at the time it brought what we thought was the fulfillment, the final chapter, of the Amory Wars saga. The biggest problem with this album is that a great majority of the songs sound the same. By that I mean that whatever guitar effects were chosen or whatever chords they picked, it sounded like they used the exact same effects and chords for multiple songs and man, does that get boring to listen to after a few times. Now, this album should be taken with some grain of salt since at the time Coheed and Cambria was having personal issues (band members coming and going) and when most of these songs were being first written and developed, it was just the two dudes who played guitar, so it makes sense that that's where a lot of my focus and criticism stems from.

The more I listen to this album, the more I found enjoyment in songs I didn't before. This included 'The Hound (of Blood and Rank)' and 'The End Complete II: Radio Bye Bye', which both contain some fun guitar jams. 'The End Complete I: Fall of the House Atlantic' is less of a song and more of an interlude (it's about 1 minute long) but I like the contrast between the fast acoustic picking and the massive drum sound that blasts in and out. 'The End Complete III: The End Complete' (oddly, not the final song of the album) has always been in my Top 10 favorite Coheed songs and it showcases their talent at prog rock, which features multiple layers within a single song and rocking each layer hard.

 'Feathers' and 'No World for Tomorrow' are both enjoyable Coheed staples that you can blare out through open windows while driving. 'The End Complete V: On the Brink' actually features a different sound for Coheed where they experiment with soft, jazzy guitar tones found more in the classic style of rock like Allman Brothers or John Mayer (did I really just compared Coheed's guitars to John Mayer's?) and that song's first half, while slow, is interesting because of that uniqueness in their repertoire.

Now the bad. 'The Reaping' is one of the least interesting intros to a Coheed album and if it didn't break from their album formula (slow intro song goes into an anthem song), they should have just opened with 'No World for Tomorrow'. 'The Running Free', 'Gravemakers and Gunslingers', and 'Justice in Murder' are the most similar sounding of all of these songs (though like I said some of these other songs also sound like these) in terms of tone, pacing, and pitch and no matter how hard they try to rock I can't help from skipping these songs on the album. 'The End Complete IV: The Road and the Damned' is one of the most boring songs that sounds like it's trying too hard to lift me up emotionally as the album bids farewell to the story. And 'Mother Superior' (the staple acoustic song in the Coheed album formula) just takes too long to slog through.

6. The Afterman: Descension

I actually debated whether to put this above or below the NWFT album. The challenge, obviously, came from whether the good stuff outweighed the bad stuff on each album. The problem is the NWFT is very middle ground where the bad stuff isn't terrible but the good stuff isn't all that inspiring. Whereas on the Descension album, the first half of the album is some of the strongest, diverse, fun Coheed songs ever written while the second half is just awful, some of my most despised and least favorite Coheed songs ever. The good outweighed the bad in the end and so, even though the negative songs on NWFT are not as rough as their counterparts on Descension, the good songs on Descension are just better and therefore too good to put below their counterparts.

We open with 'Pretelethal' which has a ukelele and some electric chimes and yet still manages to builds up like the Big Bad Wolf, huffing and puffing and blowing out your speakers with awesomeness. Then we enter into 'Key Entity Extraction V: Sentry the Defiant' which is a much better anthem about being a carefree-rebel-despite-being-a-social-outcast than 'You've Got Spirit, Kid' because it actually pumps you up instead of talks down to you.

After that is 'The Hard Sell', which has less to do with the story and more about how tough it is to avoid being a shill despite fame and fortune in the music industry, but it blends some galactic chanting with gritty guitar jams. 'Number City' is just a lot of fun, a bouncy, funky bass-driven groove that also allows some jazz instruments to have a moment in the rock spotlight. Finally, 'Gravity's Union' is the signature hard-hitting, multi-layered, prog rock sound (sensing a pattern on the kind of Coheed songs I like yet?) that makes me love Coheed songs so much.

Unfortunately, we end one of the best Coheed songs with a silly homage to 80s cheese rock in 'Away We Go' and if I wanted some sappy 80s rock, I'd listen to Whitesnake. Then is 'Iron Fist', which is a sloppy blend of gentle folk acoustics with electronica din and see 'Away We Go' for my response to cheesy romantic nonsense in rock music (not to mention the blasphemous language in the main chorus). Side note, I really do not object to cheesy romance in rock music as long as it is written well and I can take the song seriously (you'll see this good kind of romantic tune later on the list).

Anyway, then we are treated to 'Dark Side of Me' where the singer says 'I'm sorry that I'm a jerk and terrible sometimes, baby. I'm sorry that I'm human and make mistakes like everyone else' except in the slowest, whiniest way possible. '2's My Favorite 1' is so lovey-dovey it almost hurts and I imagine this as the kind of song newlyweds would pick for their first dance song because it sounds so light and fluffy and romantic.

Demos: The demos almost make up for the last four songs. 'Carol Ann' especially is a powerful song despite its simplicity. It's one man and one electric guitar, but it tells a tragically beautiful story full of imagery and it does so with gusto. The other song 'Random Reality Shifts' features some experimentation with time shifts and tries to fit in more with the galactic first half of the album. It would be interesting to hear this song in full band form rather than acoustic guitar.

5. In Keeping Secrets of Silent Earth 3

Surprise! Usually you would find this album at the top of other Coheed albums rankings. This, their second album, is the one that put them in the spotlight of up and coming rock bands and also clearly narrated the story of the Amory Wars, letting the listeners know that these albums feature characters and settings in a sci-fi action adventure. However, the style of music used in this album just does not catch my ear like others. On this second album, the style in which the songs were written made it hard to define their genre. The sound wasn't completely metal, emo, prog, pop, or just general rock, but it blended all of these elements, with a particular leaning towards the emo and pop punk styles that made bands like Fall Out Boy and Blink 182 so popular around this time. Ultimately, it's just filled with songs that make me go 'meh' with just enough quality material in a few songs  to define the signature Coheed style.

The intro song, 'Ring in Return', starts off confusingly with just a phone ring and we hear footsteps and a female voice answer the phone before a booming choir and piano announce a grand entrance of a story. This is followed by the song which shares the album's name and it is clear why this is one of Coheed's best songs ever. This is where the 8 minute, hard rock anthem was introduced to the album formula and it gets you excited to 'man your own jackhammar,man your battlestations'. It causes a rush of blood and adrenaline, it's a call to action, it's exciting!

Then, I normally skip 'Cuts Marked in the March of Men' and 'Three Evils (Embodied in Love and Shadow)' because they're busy telling the story but their pace and attempts to experiment with time signatures muddle things up. Then we get the crunchy, exciting 'The Crowing', which manages to both tell what is happening in the story while also providing interesting music to jam to.

Then follows 'Blood Red Summer' and 'The Camper Velorium I: Faint of Hearts' which both feature Claudio's high pitch vocals in fake happy tones, and unlike Alien Ant Farm's ability to have fun and joke around while playing 'Smooth Criminal', Coheed and Cambria are trying to tell an intriguingly dark story with interestingly light music and I can't enjoy it if they are providing a false sense of happiness amongst bland rock sounds.

I used to continually play 'The Camper Velorium II: Backend of Forever' when I first listened to the album and while some of its charm has been lost on me, it's still an intriguing back and forth between gentle soothing and chaotic frenzy sounds, plus it's one of those songs that as a teen bachelor you can interpret the lyrics to apply to your own life. I like the grungy hard rock-ness of 'The Camper Velorium III: Al the Killer' and it would be a much better song if the lyrics weren't so easy to take out of context and make you sound like a crazy person.

'A Favor House Atlantic' is the first real hit that Coheed had, and it's easy to tell why because of the catchy fun of the instruments and the bright high tone in Claudio's voice. The only real trouble with that song is that Claudio wrote a song that he has never really been able to fully replicate onstage (i.e. he doesn't sound the same live as he does on the album, unlike most other songs).

The album seemingly closes with 'The Light and the Glass' which is a soothing breather after the fast burning rock of the previous two songs, and the whole balance between angelic and headbanging sounds in the second half of this song are very much enjoyed, but then there's the hidden track '21:13', another 9 minute exercise in progressive rock, layering different time signatures and tones, all with electric rock fun. For this album I most enjoyed those songs that were 6+ minutes with an intricate back and forth between delicate ballad tones and heavy metal noise.

4. The Second Stage Turbine Blade

The first album of the band known as Coheed and Cambria. This shows the band focusing on putting as much rock'n'roll energy into their music as possible instead of worrying about what elements of the Amory Wars storyline make sense lyrically, though you can piece the story together from time to time. None of the songs are really extensive, 8 minute multi-layered pieces of prog rock, but most of the songs are fast, loud, and pumped up on adrenaline.

Admittedly, it has been a long time since I have listened to this album all the way through, just like IKSSE3. I cannot really recall much love or hate for any of the songs on this album, very much unlike the other albums where I either despise some of the songs or I really really really love them. With that said, I know that there are songs on IKSSE3 that I just do not like period, whereas at least on SSTB I know I have grown to like majority of the songs and do not particularly dislike any of them.

Honestly the worst part of the album for me is the song 'Neverender' which is strange given that some of their tours are titled Neverender, so Claudio and the band love this song to a certain extent (there are multiple songs where the band and I seem to disagree on whether we should like them or not). The instruments start out making it sound like this is going to be a tough, aggressive song, but really it's just sappy mentality about a boy addressing his parents and his life in a dark moment. This is the most high-school sounding song from the band at a time where they really weren't too far gone from high school, so at least the lyrics and the mentality are more forgiveable here than in 'You've Got Spirit, Kid'. The only other element of the album that really bugs me is the line 'Come know me as God' from 'Delirium Trigger', but at least the rest of the song contains fun guitar licks.

I love the rapid pace of '33', it's like driving in a getaway car. 'Time Consumer' is a great intro that provides a little insight into the sci-fi storyline and, while not necessarily an anthem like the title track on the second album, it gets the listener in a pumped up rocking mood. 'Junesong Provision' is an early example of Coheed's experimentation with multi-layered songs and differing time signatures. The opening song, the title track of the album, is an instrumental piano ballad that in a cool way sounds like it's coming from a phonograph or an old timey radio. Most of the other songs are enjoyable to listen to in their own right, though don't necessarily stand out as separate entities much. However, they are much more rocking and a lot more fun than the average song on IKSSE3.

Demos: The demos are worth mentioning here more for how they impacted the rest of Coheed's music and discography much more so than what they sound like. There's two types of demos on this album, or rather the rerelease of the album since the original release starts with the title track and ends with 'God Send Conspirator'.

The first type of demo is the acoustic version of a song on the album. This is mainly just Claudio singing and playing guitar himself, composing and mixing early versions of 'Junesong Provision' and 'Everything Evil'. These types of demos show up later in Coheed's career and on Youtube you can find acoustic Claudio-ized versions of 'Favor House Atlantic' and 'Always and Never/Welcome Home' amongst other things. These types of demos are much more interesting to me than what Coheed has done in the latter part of their career, where they compose nearly completed versions of each song on the album and try to sell it to their audience as a special treat at a special price. In fact, the acoustic songs are so well done that I've been waiting years for Coheed to put out a specifically acoustic music album.

The second type of demo found on SSTB is the hidden gem songs that didn't make the cut on album release. 'Elf Tower New Mexico' is one that was actually written in a previous life, before Coheed and Cambria was the official band name rather than Shabutie, and while it sounds like it has connections with the sci-fi story, it ultimately doesn't, BUT this song is done by the full band on the album, which is made more intriguing when after many many years of ignoring it, Claudio reluctantly played the song acoustically live with Travis as an encore special for one tour and that simple acoustic version is so much better (find the Youtube video)! 'IRO-bot' is the other random demo, a hidden track trick that Coheed replicated with '21:13', and exemplifies both Claudio's prowess at composing and mixing songs by himself as well as showcasing how cool it sounds in full band electronic form years later for the very first Neverender tour.

3. Year of the Black Rainbow

Surprise! This album is usually found at the bottom of most other Coheed album rankings. The argument is that there was too much technical production (what I would call studio magic) and the songs did not sound like signature Coheed songs established beforehand. I will admit that there definitely was a lot of manipulation by the producers and engineers of the album, but I would argue that there is still some of the best rock music that Coheed has put together on this album. Plus, given that Claudio in an interview said that he was at a dead end when it came to writing music for this album, and it was only by working with these particular people that he was able to put these songs together, I think we got a fun, fantastic turnout.

My favorite song on the album, and another Top 10 song on my favorite Coheed songs list, is 'The Shattered Symphony'. It's another great song to drive to, it has all of the heaviness and guitar growls that I love in Coheed's music, and the sound actually matches the pain found in the lyrics. 'Guns of Summer' gets some criticism from others for its crazy blend of drums and electronic noise, but man is it fast, groovy, and maybe the closest to a Mars Volta song that Coheed has created.

'World of Lines' and 'The Broken' are the kind of songs you enjoy experiencing live but also provide that hard rock style that Coheed is good at. Even the strange sounds found on 'In the Flame of Error' and 'Where Skeletons Live' (This album has some of the most interesting song titles in this band's repertoire) remind the listener of Claudio's signature high vocal powers and the fast, funky pacing in the instruments that are classic Coheed sounds

The opening song, 'One', beats out 'The Reaping' for the worst intro song just because at least 'The Reaping' actually has rhythm, lyrics, and instruments instead of just atmospheric noise. 'Far' is like the background song of some sci-fi movie where the hero stares off into space, deeply contemplating his lovely lady off somewhere in the distance, it's just that cheesy and cliche romantically and sonically.

'Pearl of the Stars' is better in its demo form, faster paced with less electric distortion to distract you. Sure, it's still the signature acoustic ballad on a Coheed album, but we already had one cheesy romantic ballad on this album already and that moved faster than this snail of a song. And boy oh boy, 'Made Out of Nothing (All That I Am)' is definitely in my Top 10 worst Coheed songs list. Instead of some self-effacing, self-examination done in an enjoyable way, Coheed creates an awful din with clangy cymbals, drawn out guitar moans, and a character so down on himself that he has to call out for immediate help out of hopelessness.

Demos: If there was a certain pattern or style to this juncture of Coheed's career in terms of their sound and their writing, it's exemplified in these demos. 'Chamberlain' is like what would happen if Muse's 'Stockholm Syndrome' was created by Avenged Sevenfold instead, and this song highlights the gruff, heavy side of Coheed's style. 'Lost Shephard' showcases the groovy rock that combines with fast pace and sci-fi storytelling. 'Hush' is the romantic song that attempts and fails at romance because it's just too heavy instrumentally and too cliche lyrically, making 'Here to Mars' sound and look much better by comparison.

2. The Afterman: Ascension

The titular track, 'The Afterman', may sound like just some bemoaning love ballad, but at least it taught 'Far' that if you put in some entertaining fingerpicking on the guitar that you can stay awake during such a song. 'Goodnight Fair Lady' tries to break the fourth wall and address the audience directly like some jazz rock lounge lizard, but it's hard to break the fourth wall over radio speakers, and it's hard to put yourself into an exotic adventure when the narrator suddenly addresses you as an observer. 'Key Entity Extraction II: HollyWood the Cracked' has a catchy guitar pace, and I get why the vocals are distorted but that distortion and some of the strange lyrics take some of the fun out of the song.

'Mothers of Men' is one of the most underrated Coheed songs to me, it's got a great sense of flow and has a fun rock attitude that isn't too intense and not too wimpy. 'Key Entity Extraction I: Domino the Destitute' tells a great story and feels just like a bout with a punching bag, where it starts slow to get warmed up before giving it a good taste, pausing for a moment, and then giving it all it's got in the end.

'Vic the Butcher' takes the psychotic aggression in 'Al the Killer' and gives the drums something fun to do along the way and adds even more anger to the vocals and guitar. 'Key Entity Extraction IV: Evagria the Faithful' is like a refreshing massage, a nice cool down period that snuggles you after the intensity of the previous two songs (HollyWood and Vic), and it provides a good blend of technological delight with atmospheric lyrics. 'Subtract' is both the acoustic ballad as well as the slow gentle tune that closes out the album, and yet it does its job of telling us that longing feeling that the singer has for the woman he's singing about and it isn't just white guy with acoustic guitar music for the sake of showing off but it utilizes the instrument to amplify the emotional impact of the words.

This is probably the shortest of the Coheed albums (unless you're like me and skip half of Descension) and yet it has so much variety in the song styles and textures.The last three songs are my personal favorite parts of the album because it shows that going from fast to slow pacing can work when done in an interesting way and their musicianship skills are incredibly highlighted in these moments.

1. Good Apollo I'm Burning Star IV: From Fear Through the Eyes of Madness

This was the very first Coheed and Cambria album I purchased because I heard Welcome Home on Rock Band and I was blown away. This was also near the time where I was really digging into rock music as a teen and so the dark storyline, hard rocking sounds, and crazy tempos all hooked me in, placing Coheed and Cambria at the top of my list of best and favorite bands at the time.

I eventually came to call this album a great break-up album for people whose dating relationships just came to an end, but at first I didn't realize how angry and dark the lyrics really were. The tempo on some of these songs are upbeat, the vocals are soft and gentle from time to time, and sometimes you can even hear happiness in the tone of the song. Yet, there are other songs where the tempo is downbeat, the vocals are distorted and angry, and you can hear the sorrow in the tone, and they remind you that this was written by a young man recently heartbroken by the young woman he loved (though they eventually got back together, got married, and now have a son. So, now it's got to be awkward to sing some of these songs again).

'Keeping the Blade' is not actually done by the band, but by a string quartet, and it reworks some of the short piano ballads heard in the first two albums and it sets the tone and pace to remind you that this is an emotional journey about a fictionalized magic space war. 'Always and Never' is the real acoustic intro, and also let's you know that while the instruments sound happy, the lyrics are going to be dark and grim. Then we blast in 'Welcome Home', which actually isn't the best song on the album, but it gives everyone a taste of what the real strengths and sounds of Coheed and Cambria are.

'Ten Speed' is a fast pumping song that is both crazy because it's about a man talking to his imaginary demonic bicycle and it's also uncomfortable because it includes lyrics mentioning God's blood and burial. It's one of those songs that instrumentally sound great but lyrically are awkward. After that is 'Crossing the Frame' which, much like 'The Shattered Symphony' and 'Mothers of Men', is a hidden gem of Coheed greatness often ignored and forgotten because it is not spectacularly extravagant but it is sufficiently groovy and satisfies the cravings for good guitar work. Then comes the blend of reality and fantasy in prog rock form in the song 'Apollo 1: The Writing Writer' in which the creator of the Amory Wars story is ripping into his ex something fierce, but instrumentally things start off slow and build up into a rock riff.

'Once Upon  Your Dead Body' is one of those songs that sound sentimentally happy in the instruments but in the lyrics are depressing and bitter. And then we're treated to the romantic acoustic ballad in the Coheed album formula in 'Wake Up' which for the most part actually does what it's supposed to do by stating the writer's love for his woman in his own unusual way and allows the audience to relate on an emotional level while being serenaded by the gentle guitar work and soft thudding drums. And then we swing back into confusion mode with 'The Suffering' which again sounds happy instrumentally and sad lyrically, but this time with a little more desperation and desire instead of anger and madness.

'The Lying Lies and Dirty Secrets of Miss Erica Court' is the weakest link on the album and is in my Top 5 Least Favorite Coheed Songs list. Its main crime is just being terribly boring and annoying. I don't jive with the chords that were chosen for the lead guitar, the vocals bounce back and forth between being soft whispers and dragged out howls, and rather than sounding like good structured prog rock there's just unorganized noise going on with the rest of the instrumentals, not to mention there's nothing really engaging and fun about the lyrics. Then there's 'Mother May I' which actually has an organized structure and funky groovy while being lyrically interesting if not confusing and smoothly appealing overall. And at least it actually builds up between the soft whispers and the loud vocalizations in that song!

And now we finally come to the main event, perhaps the best set of songs that Coheed and Cambria has ever written. It's a near 30 minute progressive rock suite of mega-layers, time signature changes, and inspiring madness. The Willing Well Series. It's hard to really describe most of these songs and what makes them so good other than they perfectly demonstrate the complexity of the band's instrumental skills as well as actually tell a strange yet compelling storyline throughout the whole series.

'Fuel for the Feeding End' is perhaps the most basic of the quartet, or at least it's the model song to demonstrate what exactly I mean by all the weird time signatures and multiple layers to the songs. 'From Fear Through the Eyes of Madness' may be the very best, I mean the VERY BEST, Coheed song written when it comes to the complexity of the layers and time signatures and at first catches you off guard lyrically but then pulls you in when things get crazy.

 'Apollo II: The Telling Truth' is essentially a reprise of the Apollo I song though some of the lyrics have changed AND they add in some throwbacks to material both instrumentally and lyrically found in the previous two albums that surprisingly fits sonically, not to mention it's an intriguing storytelling tool to recap and reevaluate what's all happened in the story thus far. And finally finally come to a head with 'The Final Cut' which is where the bitter break-up heartache stuff really resonates the most. The lyrics are dastardly and yet short, they're sweetly mournful, and soon they make way for some epic guitar solos and an ending that almost makes me cry. Then just before the album goes back to the beginning they throw in a playful little modern bluegrass take on 'Bron Yr Aur Stomp' by Led Zeppelin.

So if it's so dark, crazy, and bitter, why do I like this album so much? I think the rest of the rankings before this album can clarify that answer. I like that the band can create songs that are 8+ minutes with a variety of time signatures, tones, and textures. I like how Claudio incorporates his real life with a fictional story and somehow still make an emotional and mental connection for me, the listener. I like that they can compose some lighthearted, happy sounding music that doesn't sound overly cheesy and that Claudio can write lyrics that are not only poetic but have a mature, emotional depth to them as well. I like how definitively rock'n'roll the drums, bass, and guitars sound while allowing the technology of the time to highlight and boost the power of those instruments. It's not an album that is ordinary, nor do you see many bands trying to produce an album that replicates the complexity of this album's textures. Heck, even Coheed hasn't been able to create an album on par with this one, even though they've been trying for over a decade now.

Boondock Saints is NOT a Good, Catholic Movie

Writer's Note: This article was originally written and developed in late July/ early August 2017. It was put together before an article was written in the Denver Catholic about how this movie became a part of the conversion experience for future FOCUS missionaries. You can read the article here. Point being that despite how the movie was used in this particular couple's story, it was not the source from which the couple came to know and grow in their faith and therefore despite its influence in this particular situation, my overall opinion of the movie remains the same. And here's why.

I have a passionate love for watching and talking about movies. Being Catholic, I also love movies that involve Catholicism, to show our faith in a positive light and to get people to think about the spiritual realities of our world. Now there are good movies, bad movies, Catholic movies, anti-Catholic/ anti-Christian movies. There are good Catholic movies, but then there are the bad Catholic movies, not in the sense that you are a bad Catholic if you watch them, but that these movies do a very very bad job of demonstrating the Catholic theology, faith, and way of life while maintaining a spotlight on Catholicism.

On the social media pages such as Facebook, you may occasionally see a list involving Catholic movies. Sometimes, on the Catholic Geek Facebook pages, there is discussion on Catholic movies and what people think are good Catholic movies worth recommending. Now, because movies are a subjective art where the overall quality and definition of "good" is based on the opinion of each individual person, there's different takes on what good Catholic movies are. However, I'm getting a little tired of seeing "Boondock Saints" named as a good Catholic movie by good Catholic people on these pages, so I'm here to explain why it is neither a good movie nor a Catholic movie.

For those who haven't seen the movie before, the basic synopsis is: Two Catholic Irish-American brothers, Conner and Murphy McManus (Sean Patrick Flanery and Norman Reedus respectively), decide to kill the mobsters and bad guys in Boston. The entire time, they're pursued by FBI special agent Paul Smecker (Willem Dafoe).

Full disclosure: I first saw this movie when I was 18 and barely living my faith. At that time, I thought it was a great, enjoyable action movie. However, over the years as my taste in movies has changed and my dedication to my faith has dramatically increased, I've come to see the many strange flaws of this movie. Also, fair warning, this is going to involve some spoilers and some salty sarcasm in the criticisms so...just so you know.

Let's begin our examination of what makes this a bad Catholic movie by focusing on the "Catholic" elements of this movie.

The Opening Scene/ Mass

Right off the bat, we're introduced to a bad showing of Catholicism. After words establish our setting onscreen (Boston, St. Patrick's Day), we hear ominous sounding Gregorian Chant inside a Catholic Church. Based on this intro, you'd almost think this was the beginning of "Spotlight" or "Doubt" or some other movie about the EVILS of Catholicism today.

We open up this scene with a priest in vestments and with people in the pews, so we can assume this is a Daily Mass, hopefully one celebrating the feast of St. Patrick. However, this priest character is dressed mostly in Lenten purple vestments, but with a green stole (the scarf-looking cloth). Is it cause it's St. Patrick's Day?

The priest is leading the people in the Lord's Prayer from an ambo that is placed in the center aisle of the Church, right in front of the steps leading to the altar. Poor Church design maybe, but at least they're doing the Lord's Prayer so we're almost ready for Communion...right? Well, Purple Priest ends with "For thine is the kingdom, the power, and the glory, now and forever" without the extra priest's prayer we're used to at Mass, so that's bizarre. Then, another priest, apparently the Monsignor of this parish, who is dressed in all white vestments, steps up to speak while Purple Priest takes a seat. Monsignor thanks Purple Priest for being their "guest speaker". Is this a Mass or not?!

The brothers, who have been in the pews this whole time, eventually walk up to the altar during Monsignor's talk without anyone stopping them or reacting like this is the craziest thing they've ever seen, except for Purple Priest, who apparently realizes how unorthodox the whole thing is, but a third priest, who is in white vestments but with a purple stole (What?!) stops him from stopping the brothers.

The one shining moment in this scene is when the brothers end up kissing the feet of Christ on the Crucifix. A noble gesture of holiness, perhaps? Usually when someone does so, it is out of recognition for the sacrifice of our Lord and how we love Him because of how He loved us. It is a beautiful sign to be sure, one that I often considered replicating during my undergrad days because we had a very similarly large wooden crucifix on the wall behind the altar. However, they quickly move away and EXIT THE CHURCH while the Monsignor is still talking. I'm guessing there's no Eucharist at whatever this thing is, and who knows if the brothers would've received the Sacrament had it been available.

Monsignor's talk (I really don't know whether to call it a homily or a sermon because I CAN'T TELL IF THIS IS A MASS!) begins "I'm reminded on this holy day (St. Patrick's Day)" before going into a spiel about a woman being murdered and nobody doing anything about it. Because, when we think of St. Patrick, who broke free from slavery and evangelized an entire island of pagans, we think of the bystander effect when a crowd of people witnesses a murder. Monsignor also says "We all must fear evil men", which he should realize is a total crap statement because Christ himself said "Fear ye not them that kill the body, but are not able to kill the soul" (Matthew 10:28, Douay-Rheims translation) .

Fun fact: According to IMDB Trivia, the church building used for filming this scene is actually Protestant since none of the Catholic churches would allow filming of a movie that they objected to.

Nuns

Within the first twenty minutes of the movie, we come across three nuns in full habit sitting in the hospital. They are a puzzling sight, because they appear to be worn out and possibly injured, with specks of blood sprinkled across their face and their habits. They are there with literally no back story or reason. What are they doing? Are they involved with the brothers, who happen to be in the same hallway? Do they work with the hospital or are they there being treated? We don't know, and they're only onscreen for like one minute overall! I'm guessing the movie is trying to infer that they're there because it's a Catholic hospital, which is only a guess based on the fact that a character dips his fingers in a font of holy water and does the sign of the Cross when he enters the hospital. An even better guess is that these nuns are there for literally no reason other than comic relief, because of course it's funny when some profanity is shouted around the nuns!

Get it?! Cause profanity is funny and nuns are super uptight!

The silliest part is that their reactions are the dullest things in this movie since they have the most bored expressions on their faces the entire time. And we don't even hear these ladies speak! This is all that we see from the only full habit nuns in this movie.

The Rosary 

In that first scene of the movie, we're introduced to the brothers kneeling in their pew. They appear to be praying the Rosary from the Rosary beads...that are hanging from their neck?! These Rosaries are treated like identification accessories, giving the brothers an image that perhaps helps the audience visually realize the Catholic religiosity of the brothers. However, their Rosaries don't even have Crucifixes! They're just Celtic crosses...cause ya know...the McManus brothers are Irish! And we never see them praying the Rosary at any other point of the movie. To me, the biggest issue of including the Rosary in this movie is that it made it seem like a good idea to actually wear the Rosary around the neck. I admit to having done so with mine during my early college years, until one of the older Catholic men in our friends group pointed out how dumb that was. Ultimately, the Rosary is not a necklace, an accessory, but rather it's a powerful tool and weapon for us to use in spiritual warfare, not to be fashionable.

The Confession Scene

Another argument for what makes this a "Catholic" movie is a scene that takes place in a confessional. Keep in mind for this entire scene, two guns are put at people's heads and there are multiple expletives. First, the priest, who at least is wearing all of the valid priest's attire for this moment as far as we can tell, did not start with the sign of the Cross or "In the name of the Father, and of the Son, and of the Holy Spirit".

Smecker is seeking counsel and advice in the confessional, and the priest automatically assumes the man is not religious even though he never said anything like that. Smecker says he came to the confessional because of "ethics", so at least the script is acknowledging the Church is a place of certain ethical standards and even non-Catholics are aware of those standards. Smecker points out that the brothers doing all of their executions  as if they have God's permission, to which the priest rightfully begins to object that God doesn't justify straight up murder, but is shut up by a gun.

"Killing people is wrong." "I'll kill you for saying that, dude!"

The priest says a soul is what gives us feelings, like a conduit through which the Lord speaks to us (that's prayer, buddy boy! Didn't you learn anything in seminary?). The priest does try to do some evangelizing by brainstorming what God is doing through Smecker by bringing him into the church that morning. "It's easy to be sarcastic about religion", the priest says, giving us a glimmer of hope that this movie can at last shed some positive light on religion The priest is allowed to go on a roll with his evangelizing words. Smecker says "I want to stand for what I believe in", to which the priest replies, "First you have to know what your beliefs are" and then later "The laws of God are higher than the laws of man".

While still problematic, this scene ended up being a lot better during my rewatch than I remembered from the old days. That is, until the weird exit where Smecker begins to make the sign of the Cross but then makes an "Ah, forget about it" face, stops, and leaves awkwardly, letting us know that he's not really converted or at least not ready to go deeper in Catholic theology. Once Smecker leaves and the guns are put away, Rocco, our non-religious moral compass, then throws a little poor Latin ("dominus ominus") to the priest and furthermore tells the priest that he cannot break the seal of the confessional by telling anyone what went down just now.

Scripture Verses

There are a few moments sprinkled in the movie where the character Il Duce narrates, in an attempt to sound cool and give the movie thematic justification. Only half of the narration provided by Il Duce, which is supposed to sound Bible-based, is actually from Scripture. The rest, like Tarantino's Ezekiel 25:17 in Pulp Fiction, is made up crap. The narration utilizes Scripture-esque quotes mainly for the audiences' benefit to know the POV of our main characters and their justification for why they do what they do.

The first words of narration we hear come from Deuteronomy 32 (Verse 41). The script uses these words: "When I raise my flashing sword, and my hand takes hold on judgment, I will take vengeance upon mine enemies, and I will repay those who hate me. Oh, Lord, raise me to Thy right hand and count me among Thy saints"

Later, when they are spending the night in the police holding cell, the brothers are both woken in the middle of the night by Monsignor's little talk in the first scene before we hear the narration add in a little Genesis 9 (Verse 6) on us: "Whosoever shed man's blood, by man shall his blood be shed. For in the image of God made He man".

The most confusing thing about these quotes is not knowing which translation they're supposed to be based on. Overall, this feels too much like taking Scripture out of context in order to uphold one's slanted POV.

Prayer

There's a "prayer" that the brothers say, just as they are about to execute their enemies. Basically, it's a prayer where the boys pretend to be the soldiers of God, doing God's will, in order to justify their killings. This is one of the most memorable quotes from the movie, one that I think some Catholics admire as a positive takeaway from the movie. The most Catholic thing I took away from this prayer was the Latin words used for the Holy Trinity. Other than the opening scene and the occasional sign of the Cross, the times they "pray" this prayer are the only moments when we see the brothers do any praying. However, there's a difference between being in battle and praying to God for strength, victory, and protection, and then praying that you're pleasing God by purposefully executing people without giving them a chance for repentance, justice, or mercy.

The Courtroom Climax

At the end of the movie, the brothers, newly reunited with their father, burst into a courtroom to publicly execute the movie's villain, the Italian mafia boss. They intentionally make a ruckus because they're trying to make a public statement to everyone about their purpose and existence. You'd think, as Catholic men, they'd be doing a little evangelizing and spreading some Catholic theology along the way. However, their statement is so terribly un-Catholic and so weird, that I have to break down the worst parts, CinemaSins style.

-"We do not ask for your poor or your hungry." "We do not want your tired and your sick": These are literally the types of people that Christ calls us to help! You're saying you're intentionally ignoring the neediest people. Sure, everyone is called to give aid in different ways depending on their abilities (one body, many parts, all that good stuff), but everyone is STILL called to focus especially on the poor, the hungry, the destitute, the people who are in most need. So you are publicly stating you're intentionally defying our Lord's command?

-"Do not kill. Do not rape. Do not steal. These are things that every man of every faith can embrace.": Um, I think history has shown that certain men of certain faiths do not wholly embrace your little philosophies there. Don't act like you fully encapsulated the Ten Commandments just in those three "Do nots" either. Also, you're literally about to kill somebody, so how are you embracing that first statement again?

-"We urge you lesser forms of filth, not to push the bounds and cross over into true corruption": Translation-We're okay if you sin and choose to do bad things, just make sure it's none of the really bad stuff that gets you put in jail or mistreats other people. Also, what is true corruption? Is any human being truly corrupt? Ultimately a true Catholic would say "Go and sin no more!" and that's it.

-"And we will send you to whatever god you wish": According to the Catholic Church, there is only one God who judges a person to Heaven or Hell. Different people of different faiths don't get to choose their own afterlife experience in the end. Unless you're trying to succinctly say that bad guys see Satan as their god and therefore would wish to go to Hell with Satan, which I'm sure you're not, this statement makes no theological sense in the Catholic tradition.

The "Saints"

Do these guys look that saintly to you right now?!

The brothers Conner and Murphy McManus, our protagonists, are supposed to play the role of the good Catholic boys, the "Saints". Here's a list of all the "saintly" things we see the brothers do in this movie:

-Our first intro to the brothers outside of the church? Slapping each other with the meat products they work with at a factory and punching a feminazi after she kicks one in the balls.

-They tie a guy down to a bar counter and literally set the guy's buttocks on fire!

-Murphy takes a cup of water or coffee in his hand and playfully splashes the policemen he is hanging out with. We hear him say "Body of Christ" while he is doing so, which makes it hard to tell if he is mocking Baptism or the Eucharist (or both?).

-They make the sign of the Cross before going into action killing the Russian mobsters. Later, Conner makes the sign of the Cross over the body of a dead man that he just murdered.

-The brothers, who by all accounts in this movie live in poverty, don't appear to have any qualms with taking the dirty money lying around in the same room where they killed all the Russian mob bosses. This isn't played off as a Robin Hood moment, but rather a moment of greed.

-They don't care that their best friend, Rocco, works for the mafia and are willing to threaten this friend's life just for their own amusement.

-They have no problem taking the Lord's name in vain with JCs and OMGs and such.

-They also have no qualms with Rocco not only "dating" a woman addicted to drugs, but then verbally abusing her and threatening her with a gun.

But it's all okay because they have the silhouette of the Blessed Virgin tattooed on their necks!

Pennies

My last note involving Catholic Christian theology is based on currency and death. Some of the most iconic imagery in this movie involves the brothers putting pennies over the eyes of the men that they kill. The pennies over the eyes of the dead are seen as having a "religious" connotation. However, I have a question: Where is that idea in Christian theology!? Smecker explains it in terms of Greek or Roman mythology, and maybe the movie is trying to connect Celtic paganism to our Irish Catholic boys, but how are these ideas connected?


Well, that was fun. Now, someone may be saying: Well, even if it's not really Catholic movie, I still think it's a good movie...isn't still a good movie? Let's consider the following:

Questioning the Movie's Realism and Quality

-How confusingly meta is this movie? The actor David Della Rocco plays a mafia runner named...David Della Rocco.

-A character with tourettes and a speech impediment? I'm sure he's here for good character development and not profane comic relief.

-How could anybody just randomly walk into a police precinct unannounced and unchaperoned? And dudes can just randomly walk back in the holding cells without being checked in or stopped or anything?

-How can anybody carry a toilet up onto a roof and climb on top of unstable barrels without falling off the building?

-Signs that it's a good movie? Ron Jeremy plays a supporting character in the Italian mafia.

-How did they know where to find the shady guy with a bunker full of guns?

-Somehow in a scuffle in the air vents, which isn't heard by the mobsters below for some reason, the boys conveniently make the rope, which was tied around their bodies, extend and caught on their ankles so that they can dangle upside down in the room. Not only are they upside down, but they are expertly shooting these bad guys with lethal precision. Have these guys used guns before? Have they killed people before? Were they trained by anything other than movies and TV? I don't know!

-How did Smecker make it into the confessional without being seen by or even seeing the brothers, who we see are praying in the back of church in full view of the confessional?

-Why isn't Rocco in terrible terrible pain the day after his own finger is shot off?

-Why was the straight, horny mafia guy so aroused by Willem Dafoe, who was clearly a crossdresser?

-When it was revealed that Il Duce was the father of the brothers (oops, sorry...major spoilers, I guess), why wasn't there some big discussion or argument? As soon as Il Duce joined in their prayer, the boys automatically accepted the man without any hesitation, despite the fact that they tried to kill each other in a previous shootout.

Further Considerations and Faults

It isn't until the first time that the brothers go on mission to execute mobsters that one of the main themes of this movie is examined, so we learn this info after the first third of the movie. "Boondock Saints" is supposed to be a commentary on cliches and stylized moments in action movies and TV shows. There's references to Charles Bronson, Rambo, and what the brothers see on TV. But we never even see a TV in the Saints' apartment and there's never a moment beforehand where they watch anything or comment on TV until they get guns in their hands. The visual effects of this movie with the blood and the wounds are both low budget and exaggerated, making it possible that this is all just a commentary on other action movies that are cheap and exaggerated. Dafoe's character even breaks the fourth wall a bit with his line "Television is responsible for this. You see this in bad television", which is a little too wink wink nudge nudge for me. This theme gets picked up and dropped so much that it's hard to tell if this movie is trying to parody terrible action cliches or if it wants to be a role model for terrible action cliches.

The answer, as demonstrated by this image, is probably both.

Sometimes it feels like the brothers are almost given superhero type powers just because they're the protagonists. For example, they are capable of speaking Spanish, French, Gaelic, Italian, English, and Russian. They demonstrate these multi-language skills during their casual interrogation with Smecker. Amazed, Smecker asks "What are you guys doing working at a meat packing plant?" A legit question with a potentially interesting answer...but that gets shrugged off real quick and then interrupted by something silly. I want more backstory, darn it! You can't pose a decent question exploring character development and then just say "Nevermind! Let's get to the fun stuff!".

We also eventually learn that Willem Dafoe's character is homosexual, which no, that doesn't immediately make it a bad movie. What makes this character trait a poor choice is that his being homosexual is almost thrown in more for laughs than for good character development. There's also some quick moments where he's derogatory and rude towards other homosexual men, almost as if he himself hates being homosexual and tries to be different than them. I admit that I did feel discomfort when seeing two grown men naked in bed and one trying to cuddle on top of the other (there's an implication that they were sleeping together before we see what takes places on screen).

The Ron Jeremy bad guy patronizes a place called the Sin Bin, because OF COURSE HE DOES! This provides us with a lovely scene where he is inside a dark room, masturbating to porn where you can see the woman's nipples reflected in his glasses. And the real life stripper of the Sin Bin faints during the Saints' mission to execute Ron Jeremy, and just so happens to have one of her boobs slip out of the bikini top, so Rocco gets the chance to grope an unconscious woman. Yay!

It's okay though. He's funny and he promises to tip her, so he's a good guy after all!

Rocco and the brothers clarify that the brothers kill anyone "they" think is evil, to which Rocco's natural first reaction is that the whole thing is "a little weird, a little psycho". The brothers explain that their rationale is, because bad guys are doing bad things without consequences, that people everywhere are thinking that these bad guys deserve to be killed by somebody. They consider themselves that somebody. Somehow, based on that one paragraph, thirty second explanation, they change Rocco's mind on things. Not only that, but eventually these guys let Rocco, the immoral mafia package boy, be the moral compass who decides which bad guys deserve to die! Why? What's his moral standard? He willing works for the mafia and even objects to going to Church in the morning for prayer! There's no established morality to justify these killings and these three guys have no higher moral ground to stand on anyway!

After the climatic courtroom scene, the movies ends in a series of local news interviews with people on the streets. This is actually a pretty decent idea to present thematic dialogue, maybe the movie's best attempt to question its philosophical ideas. Are these brothers heroes? Are they doing good? Is it right or wrong? Does the media make it better or worse? These kinds of questions are examined from all sides and angles in quick snippets. It doesn't help the fact that this is the very end of the movie and these questions don't actually come from our main or supporting cast of characters, but just from random people who might as well be the random stranger sitting next to you in the movie theater.

Final Thoughts

There's plenty of other parts that are worth considering and nitpicking, but this article can't go on forever unfortunately. The point is that "Boondock Saints" does not present the Catholic faith well and, even forgiving the fact that this was made by a first time director, the quality of the final product is not good. This is the kind of movie that is made by a manchild with a very surface level understanding of Christianity and religion because he's more heavily influenced by secular relativism than faith itself. The R-rating of the movie is mainly due to the unnecessary constant F-bombs and for the over-the-top blood effects from all the gunplay. If I had to give this movie a rating based on my Artistic and Moral Value standards, it would probably be a 1 out of 5 at best.

We need to hold movies to a higher standard overall, but more importantly we need to hold movies about Catholicism to an even higher standard. I'll be happy if I keep "Boondock Saints" out of my DVD player for a long time to come, and I hope together we can find superior movies about Catholicism and guns and Rosaries and crazy Willem Dafoe acting!

To avoid ending this article with my unhumble opinion, I will leave you with quotes from total strangers. Here are a few quotes, about particular scenes in the movie, from a Youtube video called "Irish People Watch The Boondock Saints for the First Time".

-"I think they're just bad saints...cause you wouldn't just leave a church like that. They just left!" "Saints love Mass".

-"So much cursing...So much for Catholicism!"

-"So they bless them after they kill them? They wouldn't have to bless them if they didn't kill 'em".